Forrest Gumpf and St Peter

[bernardgreen]

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.

1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2) How many seconds are there in a year?

3) What is God’s first name?”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin With the letter “T”?

That one’s easy.

That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims!! “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but ….. I’ll give you credit for that answer.

“How about the second one?” asks St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question.”

“Can you tell me God’s first name?”

“Sure” Forrest replied, “IT”S ANDY.”

“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song…

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said:

“Run, Forrest, run.”

 

[RigidRaider]

Three nuns are killed in a horrible car crash. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter looks in his big book, smiles apologetically and says: "I'm afraid Heaven is full at the moment and anyway you've all come far too soon as you're all too young to die. I'm going to give you a chance to go back but since your bodies were so mangled in the crash, you can choose somebody else's body. Who would you like to be?"

The first num replies: "I'd like to be Petula Clark, because she sings so beautifully and brings so much joy to so many people!"

The second nun replies: "Id like to be the Queen Mother because she's so lovely and everybody adores her!"

The third nun, a very young girl, replies: "I'd like to be Zara Pipilinni, because she has so much fun!"

"Zara Pipilinni? Zara Pipilinni? Who's she?" asks St Peter.

The young nun fumbles in her pockets and fishes out a newspaper clipping, all faded and tatty. She unfolds it and shows it to St Peter, who reads:



















"Sahara pipeline laid by 2000 men in three months"

 

[longdogs]

Ed Milliband dies suddenly and finds himself standing outside the pearly gates. Along comes St. Peter and says 'hello Mr Milliband, I would like to allow you through the gates of heaven but first I would like to ask you what you have done during your life to warrant it?'

Ed thinks about the question and not wishing to mention politics or his recent crushing election defeat he eventually answers 'I made people laugh'.

'Oh come on' says St Peter, 'God made your face, I want to know what YOU did.'