Sh*t jokes forum.

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Seamus O'Sullivan hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Seamus said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Seamus!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Seamus's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Seamus won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Paddy Irish man, paddy Englishman and paddy Scotsman where working in construction they where having there lunch on the 20th floor scafolding.

Paddy Irishman opens his lunch and says "if I get corn beef and stuffing one more fookin time I'm going to jump of this to my death"
Paddy English man opens his lunch and says "if I get ham and English mustard one more fookin time I'll do the same"
Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch and says "if I get turkey and hagis again I'll fookin jump to my death"

So the next day at lunch time.

Paddy Irish man opens his lunch to see corn beef and stuffing so he jumps to his death.
Paddy English man sees that he's got ham and English mustard and jumps to his death.
Paddy Scotsman sees he's got turkey and haggis and jumps to his death.

So a few days later at there funerals paddy Englishmans wife gets up and says

"If only I had known he wanted something different from English mustard I would have given it to him."

Paddy Scotsman's wife says "aye if I had known he hated the hagis so much I could have given him cheese"

So everyone looks at paddy Irishman's wife and she says
"Don't look at me he makes his own fookin lunch".

After Paddy had made several unsuccessful attempts to cross a busy dual carriageway where he was hit by a bus once,a car twice, and by three cyclists. I told him there was a zebra crossing a short distance away. he replied.." Well I hope he's having better luck than oi am!

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his face over by the holy water," said the boy.


The National Eczema Association are currently fund-raising. They've just launched a scratch card.


Archaeologists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for centuries in Donegal.
It's called 'Irish Country Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'


The Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.


I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.
I'm on the highway to Hull!


Ikea has warned that some of its children's beds are unsafe. Specifically, the ones they sold to Catholic boarding schools.


ADHD, Tourettes, Autism, they were just known as council house kids when I was young.


If online bullying has taught us anything, it's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Why don’t Bulgaria and Romania have Olympic teams?...... Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.K.

The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know
4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick b@stard.”

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination." I said, "I haven't got an erection!" She replied, "No, but I have!"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

There are three types of people in this world:
Yorkshire people;
those who wish to be Yorkshire people;
and those with no ambition at all.

Apple does it again.

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music and which can be fitted in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
____________________________________________________________________

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
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A teacher asks the kids in her Year 4 class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

......................."I wanna be Kevin's hooker."

Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car, he paid his money and then asked when can he come to get the car.

"It will be here waiting for you exactly 10 years from today".

The man signed the paper, started walking away and then stopped, turned and asked the salesman:

"Wait, will it be ready in the morning or in the afternoon?".

"What difference does it make?" asked the salesman.

"Well," answered the man,


"The plumber is coming in the morning".

An Irishman in a bar looking really fed up.
His mate comes in and says, "Hey Paddy, you're looking really fed up. What's wrong?"
"Oh, don't talk to me," says Paddy.
"No, come on," replies his mate. "Listen, you go home and give the wife one. Then come back here. I'll see you at seven."
So Paddy goes off.
Seven o'clock, and Paddy comes back to the bar with a big smile on his face.
"How did you get on, then?" asks his mate.
"By Jees, you've got a lovely house," replies Paddy.

Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

This chap is sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window and watching two Irish men working out in the street.
He watches as Paddy digs a large hole every ten yards, then Murphy follows him filling the holes back in again.
After a while, the chap is so intrigued by what he is watching, he leaves the cafe and goes to speak to the men.
"I cannot for the life of me figure out what you two guys are doing", he says, "Please explain".
"Ah, no wonder you're confused", says Paddy,
"Normally theres three of us, but Mick, who plants the trees is off sick today".

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"