Sh*t jokes forum.

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.


I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for the first time.
He said "I hope you took precautions?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Did you wear a condom?"
“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”


I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next pooh could spell disaster.
*****************************
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting … so, at least I got home OK
****************************
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
****************************
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
******************************
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"
******************************
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
******************************
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

A man walks into the Wellington Parliament office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P." The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible. He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"
She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete d*ck."

By Pam Ayres
>
>
>
> The missus bought a Paperback,
> down Shepton Mallet way,
> I had a look inside her bag;
> T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
>
> Well, I just left her to it,
> And at ten I went to bed.
> An hour later she appeared;
> The sight filled me with dread...
>
> In her left she held a rope;
> And in her right a whip!
> She threw them down upon the floor,
> And then began to strip.
>
> Well fifty years or so ago;
> I might have had a peek;
> But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
> She's eighty four next week!!
>
> Watching Mabel bump and grind;
> Could not have been much grimmer.
> And then things went from bad to worse;
> She toppled off her Zimmer!
>
> She struggled back upon her feet;
> A couple minutes later;
> She put her teeth back in and said
> "I am a dominater"!!
>
> Now if you knew our Mabel,
> You'd see just why I spluttered,
> I'd spent two months in traction
> For the last complaint I'd uttered.
>
> She stood there nude and naked
> Bent forward just a bit
> I went to hold her, sensual like
> and stood on her left tit!
>
> Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
> My god what had I done!?
> She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
> "Step on the other one"!!
>
> Well readers, I can't tell no more;
> 'bout what occurred that day.
> Suffice to say my jet black hair
> Turned fifty shades of grey.

A Husband and his Wife went to the Doctor.

The Doctor took the Husband in first.

The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his Blood Pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his Wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said - Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your Husband.
Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the Husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you; I couldn't get an erection either!

marriage


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not..

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ****ed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime