Sh*t jokes forum.

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irving . All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece... when it used to be the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion You drive a $350,000 Ferrari, You get $3,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!
 
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At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims : “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says “If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile : “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said : “**** him.”
 
The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name....
 
On their 25 wedding anniversary Mick tells his wife that for 25 years he has been sleeping with a prostitute.

His wife's reply was "Who told you ?"
 
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A WOMAN'S VIEW

1. He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?

2 He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

3 He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4 He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him: They don't have time.

5 He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him: I don't know; it has never happened.

6 He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.

7 He said to me... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.

8 He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless tramp stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a bang before you go?"

The woman screamed... "No! F*ck off you filthy old b*st*rd".


The tramp turned to leave and said:-

"No problem, I'll just go wait at the bottom then".
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
 
Wouldn't say my local is rough,,,, but we went to the quiz night the other evening... First question was,,, "Who the fu*k do you think your looking at?"
 
Paddy says to murphy "when people go diving, why do they fall backwards into the water ?" Murphy has a little tink and replies "Cos if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat"

Same two lads on a building site. Paddy's laying new floorboards, murphy walks in and paddy's hammering a nail in, then throws two nails in the skip (and so on). Murphy says "what ya trowing dem nails away for Paddy ?" Paddy replies "dere no good, the heads on the bottom". Murphy screams at him " you feckin eijit, your just taking them outta da box upside down !!!. "Don't throw them away, keep them for the ceilings"
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well", said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a tea spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub".

"Oh, I understand", I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup".

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"












He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
 
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