My Best Friend's Marriage

I have a friend who I have known for almost 18 years – we have known each other since we were 12 and at school. Despite having very different paths in life since 17 years old we have always managed to stay in touch. A couple of years ago I was honoured enough to be his best man. The wedding was great and I was so happy to see him so happy. He loves her very much.

Soon after the wedding my friend and his wife started trying for a baby. Due to her being a bit older (33) and quite a lot overweight they had difficulty, but from what I can gather they had a good time trying.

As soon as my friend’s wife became pregnant, she suddenly went off my friend and being married. She says that she can’t manufacture feelings and that something has gone. My friend is utterly devoted to her and is devastated. He says she is his world and that he has tried everything.

Now the baby has come along, all is well except between husband and wife. She still says the same things and 2 months later my friend took his wedding ring off. They haven’t expressed their love for each other in the way adults do since the conception.

It saddens me to hear this and every message I receive from him is downbeat and depressive. I have asked him if he will try Relate or tell his parents or older sister but he just won’t, saying he has to sort his own problems out.

I feel I would like to tell his parents, who I get on well with, but feel strongly it could be seen as intefering.

Is there anything I can do? What would you do?

I'd mind my own business and let the fat pig go - sounds like all she wanted was a baby.

notb665 said:

I have asked him if he will try Relate or tell his parents or older sister but he just won’t, saying he has to sort his own problems out.

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It's a common reaction, but, if they haven't been able to fix it so far, it's unlikely they will suddenly change and be able to fix it on their own.

Sometimes when Relate have a look at a couple, they can see it's not fixable.

Keep your nose out - No-one will thank you for interfering.

Just be there as someone for him to let it all out too


Incidentally, I have to ask.......They haven’t expressed their love for each other in the way adults do since the conception. .........Do you mean a bunch of flowers from BP ?

notb665 said:

Is there anything I can do? What would you do?

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As your friend has ruled out telling his family, I really don't think you should go behind his back and against his wishes and tell them yourself ... he might decide he doesn't want you as a friend anymore, and that is probably the last thing he needs.

I think you should just be there for your friend - take him out for a beer now and again so he can talk about it.

You can't fix your friend's relationship.

Make sure he has no rope in garage!!!
Not joking !! My friends son went to woods and topped himself, he was found hanging from a tree by a dog walker 3 days later !!!!

Sadly quite common.

Two weeks in Thailand will sort him out

There is a common misconception that getting married should mean you will be happy, in fact there is a general misconception that people have in the western world that they should be happy. People need to understand there is more to life than being happy.

This is difficult to accept, but becomes easier as you get older, and realise what crap others have to put up with.

notb665, your function is to be a confidant, and you could offer your opinions if asked. However, don't just say what you think is wanted, be honest. Mostly, it's a bit of a pig, but there are plenty of others in a much worse situation.

Not - I think it's very upsetting to see someone you are good friends with being hurt & it's diffucult to stand by without doing something.

However, I think the others are right. I think you have to respect his wishes & just be there for him at times of need.

If the opportunity arises, you could mention the possibility of him talking to his family, or visiting Relate.
Even if his wife does not wish to attend, he could make sure she was aware that he has made an appointment to talk to someone.
This would at least tell her that he is serious about trying to get things back on an even keel.

Whether this would help or not, I can't say, but ii may be worth trying.

oilman said:

There is a common misconception that getting married should mean you will be happy, in fact there is a general misconception that people have in the western world that they should be happy. People need to understand there is more to life than being happy.

This is difficult to accept, but becomes easier as you get older, and realise what crap others have to put up with.

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While I admit life can grind you down: your job, your health, other people, money, extended family etc; surely your partner and your home life should be a refuge, like a little bubble where nothing else matters? Where you can cuddle up to someone and forget about everything else?

notb665 said:

I have a friend who I have known for almost 18 years – Due to her being a bit older (33) and quite a lot overweight they had difficulty, WTF.......... My Mrs. was like that but SUPERSPERM pupped her twice .........25 and 23 years ago
there anything I can do?

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yeah-loose the fattist attitude

I think that like pna said you should just be there for your friend, he's young enough to start again, get him to build a shed!

notb65 said:

While I admit life can grind you down: your job, your health, other people, money, extended family etc; surely your partner and your home life should be a refuge, like a little bubble where nothing else matters? Where you can cuddle up to someone and forget about everything else?

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Since I split with my partner, My daughter left home and I have become a cynical git I find that :
A: I have never been happier.
B:I have no stress whatsoever.
C:I have more disposable income than I ever imagined possible
D: The only bubbles necessary are when you wash the dishes every week.

Where did you purchase your Rose tinted spectacles

____________________________________
Lynda, moderator,

Edited to correct quote

when we feel low we need our friends... ok, this is a womans point of view and we do handle things differently but the concept of friend is the same to both sexes.

Its easy for me to say but dont beat yourself up about what you should do.
Friends are there by default to love, defend and protect fellow friends.
Sometimes we can point out what is sensitive to our friends to avoid them being humiliated etc but generally we are there to cushion our pals, be a shoulder to cry on.

Basically, unless a henious sin should happen, we are there to 'be there' whatever the time of day. Fair weather only friends are not true friends.

I know you are concerned about your friend but you are important too!

Counsellors etc are there to help your friend face the sometimes ugly thoughts that we as friends dont want to go to .
Friends are not best placed to counsel as we have expectations of our pals and that is to 'be on side'..
Counsellors are paid to help people like your friend and allow you to do what you do best.. simply be there.

This is a big burden on you and I wonder if you can say to your pal that you are there for them but maybe tlking to someone not involved may help?
Your pal might apologise to you for burdening their sadness on you.. or maybe not.
An idea is to set boundaries for example, on the limit of how long you will you spent on the topic of his wife.

You do not get too tired this way and your pal does not go over and over old ground.

I agree that it is not your decision to tell his parents or sister.

Whatever you think, he must be in control here, not you.
You may feel you know best but believe me, your friend needs your trust.

think about it.

The only person you are making feel better about telling his family is you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh.. (if I was your close pal I probably couldnt say that in case it made you feel bad but im not so I can say it!)

I know you are fretting about this and hey as friends we go through this.

Be there for your friend but respect his wishes.

And..... make sure you can unburden somewhere too.

best wishes, toffee