Jokes thread...?

ColJack

ColJack

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Dunno if this has been done before but it's about time we had one / another...

=====================================

A guy has his grandparents staying with him for christmas...
The grandfather takes his grandson to one side for a chat..

"I was looking for some paracetamol and I couldn't help but notice you had some viagra in there.. I always wanted to try one of those.. would you mind?"

slightly embarrassed and wanting to put his grandad off the idea, the grandson said.. " well they're quite expensive.. £10 per pill.."

saying no more about it they went about their usual christmas business..

when they left the next morning the grandson found £110 under the pillow in the spare room...

He telephoned his grandad to tell him he'd lost some money..

"I didn't lose it, it's for the viagra pill.. "

" but grandad, they're £10 each, not £110..."

"I know... the other £100 is from your gran... "
 
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A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
 
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A man walks into a chiropodists and slaps out his c**k.

The chiropodists says "That's not a foot"

"I know" says the man,









































"But it's a good eleven inches"

:LOL:
 
From an American forum.......

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed..

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval , delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.......


;)
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
I see your ears are working", says the duck,
Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
At the circus", says the barman.
The circus?" the duck enquires.
That's right", replies the barman.
The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
Yeah" the barman replies.
With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?
 
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?"asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor























this is good - wait for it .................
























"Your mother must have been a carrier!"
 
Who can see what they've done wrong when fixing these bollards?

manchester_builders.jpg
 
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