regrets?

[ColJack]

on a tangent to the "more physics" post, if you had the oportunity to go back in your life and change 1 thing, what would it be and why?

please lets not have the comedy answers like "I'd say no when the Vicar asked me 'Do you take this woman...' "

it can only be 1 decision / action that YOU took, not something that happened TO you such as getting knocked off your bike on the way home from school or your ex deciding to dump you.. ( although I suppose you could change the decision to ride your bike to school that day or to not tell the ex that, "yes that dress does make your bum look big".. )

 

[LastMagicBean]

Two tragic events in my life I couldn't change the outcome of, even by going back in time.

But one I bitterly regret to this day, and I COULD have changed is ..............
Not making peace with my Dad after a stupid row, bad things were said. That was the last time we spoke to eachother.
He died a month later.

Bitterly regret it.........

 

[JMLanders]

Bit difficult to nail it down to one incident. Think I'd be inclined to wish that I'd spent a load more time studying (especially music instruments) rather than watch the box. I had a good brain, but singularly failed to use it fully while time was "free" and my own.

 

[ColJack]

ah see, that's the kind of thing I was striving for earlier.. something that you had no control over that happened to you.
sorry to hear that you were "on the outs" with your dad when he passed LMB...

just remember that if you ever have a big argument with any of your own kids.. it's not worth staying mad at someone you love no matter what the reason is..

 

[ColJack]

Bit difficult to nail it down to one incident. Think I'd be inclined to wish that I'd spent a load more time studying (especially music instruments) rather than watch the box. I had a good brain, but singularly failed to use it fully while time was "free" and my own.

that was another thread I was going to start..
if you could go back to primary / secondary school ( and be the right age for it ), but with all the street smarts and world experience you had now ( but not any specific knowledge.. you'd still have to do the lessons ), would you..?

what I mean is you wouldn't know all that stuff you learnt in history, or who would win the world cup back then or what the lottery numbers were etc, but you knew that studying harder would get you a better job etc

 

[herebriefly]

edit!

 

[ColJack]

you're a brave man..

 

[securespark]

There isn't an

"I've had a few..." option.

On a more serious note, I geniuinely would not do anything different. Everything I have done in my life has helped to make me who I am today.

There is only one thing that I would want to change, but that is a very difficult and deep topic.

To cut a long story short, my first wife used to hit me. I put up with it for a long while, but eventually, things came to a head. She stabbed me and pushed me down the stairs. It was then I realised I had to save my skin and, much as I loved her and did not want to leave, I did.

We split up and she eventually set up home with a bloke who murdered her.

I was extremely upset when I found out (driving home one evening and heard it on the radio). We may have split up, but you don't wish that kind of thing on your worst enemy.

The thing is, if I had stayed with her, she may well be alive today, even if we had split up later. But you can't think like that.

She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time to meet that bloke.

I don't blame myself now for what happened, but for a long time there was a nagging feeling of "What if?".

 

[JMLanders]

Bit difficult to nail it down to one incident. Think I'd be inclined to wish that I'd spent a load more time studying (especially music instruments) rather than watch the box. I had a good brain, but singularly failed to use it fully while time was "free" and my own.

that was another thread I was going to start..
if you could go back to primary / secondary school ( and be the right age for it ), but with all the street smarts and world experience you had now ( but not any specific knowledge.. you'd still have to do the lessons ), would you..?

what I mean is you wouldn't know all that stuff you learnt in history, or who would win the world cup back then or what the lottery numbers were etc, but you knew that studying harder would get you a better job etc

It's more to do with wasted time and opportunities - too much couch potato-ing, sitting around doing sweet f.a.

I have no doubt that my mind is as sharp as many other people that I meet, but they have the "confidence" of their qualifications because they bothered to make the effort when they were young, whereas I didn't. It's not about a better job, but everything to do with having knowledge on the one hand, and more to the point the complete chip I have on my shoulder

 

[ColJack]

alternatively, if you didn't split up with her, it might have been YOU dead and not her..

I don't know the specifics but if she treated the new bloke the same as she did you then 1 of 2 things happened..
1. he did it in self defence to protect himself in that instant ( ie. she was coming at him with a knife etc.. )
2. he did it in self defence but in a pre-meditated way to prevent future danger to himself ( ie he rationalised that she would eventually kill him )

who's to say that if you didn't leave her that you wouldn't have done the same in the end..

don't beat yourself up about it.. by the sounds of it she was a psycho bitch that deserved to be put down or at least hospitalised in a mental institute..

think about if you did stay with her and you had kids.. would you ever really be able to think that the kids would be safe alone with her?..

 

[JMLanders]

CJ - if you don't mind me saying, I don't think it's really your place to judge securespark's wife like that. I know we're all judgmental of each other on here at times, and of complete strangers who have nothing to do with the site. But it doesn't sit right (with me at least) for you to start name-calling a poster's (ex and now deceased )wife

 

[ColJack]

I don't mind at all, you're entitled to your opinion as much as I am to mine..

given that she hit him on many occasions and stabbed him and pushed him down the stairs, do you not think it's a fair assesment that if she did that to someone else that they might have done something other than walk away?

do you not also think it's a fair assesment that someone who stabs another person has some issues that need addressing?

granted calling her a psycho bitch might have been a step too far, but given what she did to SS, someone who I respect and like from this forum, and the potential that he might not have been here today if he'd stayed with her, I don't think that it's totally unwarranted for me to not like her that much..

 

[Shutpa]

When I had been teaching for about 12 years or so, I became very unhappy about the quality of the passes that my students were getting. Kids who I thought merited an 'A' were getting a 'B', 'Bs' were getting 'Cs' and so on. This was entirely down to me. I taught them and it was up to me to get the very best out of them. However, there were some things in the syllabus that I had to rush through if I wanted to complete the entire course. Calculating the gradient on a relief map was one of them.
One day, having gone through the calculation, a girl put up her hand and said that she didn't understand. I then put it to the class that if they didn't understand how to calculate gradient or indeed anything else, then they should cut short their lunch break and come along for extra tuition. Out of 32 students 26 turned up. I then decided to make it a weekly session and later a daily one. Synoptic charts, Tropical diseases, the 'Cycle of Poverty' and many other topics were up for grabs. From that day forward until the day that I retired, I acheived job satisfaction. Prior to the external examinations I had to submit an 'Order of Merit' ie my professional opinion of what grade each student would achieve, and from the day I introduced lunchtime classes, I was very rarely wrong.

My regret? Why did it take me 12 years top come up with a solution?

Hey Coljack, I dont need a reply from you because you have given me the opportunity to express a regret and I appreciate that.

 

[securespark]

Col,

Thanks for your comments. Perhaps your phraseology was not ideal but
I could see you were offering me support.

JML, I appreciate your defence. But fear not, I'm not offended.

It's a very difficult thing to describe. I loved her dearly despite all that happened.

It's a very odd situation, one which you may have read in newspaper and magazine articles. Someone (usually the female partner) suffers abuse, but is determined to stay because they love their abuser.

After my fall, I knew I would not be returning except for my things. Nevertheless, as I left the house to get some air, that thought left tears streaming down my face.

My ex was born to Glaswegian parents. When she was a few months old, her mother left, leaving her and her sister in the care of her alcoholic father. She had a dreadful childhood, constantly terrorised by this man and his alcohol-fuelled rages. He would deprive the girls of sleep, ordering them to stand in a brightly-lit kitchen and whipping them with a belt when their eyelids drooped. On particularly drunken nights, he would threaten to nail them by their hands and feet to the back door.

So there were many emotions in my relationship with her. Rightly or wrongly, I felt great pity for her circumstances. I could not excuse her behaviour towards me, but her up-bringing explained why she acted and reacted in this way. I felt heartily sorry for her. Looking back, I think part of my love for her was actually pity and realise that that is not a good basis for a relationship.

I believed that a future of tender love, care and devotion in a stable and reassuring relationship could reverse years of abuse and neglect. Sadly, I was wrong.

My ex had been shown all her life by her father that violence was the answer - she didn't know any other way to react.

If we encountered a problem or a stumbling block, her response was to react violently and lash out - usually towards me. Again, looking back, I think what she wanted was for me to lash out in return, but I never did. I only ever reacted in self-defence, to prevent further attack or injury to me and not ever with the aim of hurting her.

So I was utterly shocked to hear of her murder on the radio. I rang the policeman named in the report and let him know that I was her ex-husband. I gave her DOB and her unsual middle name, along with her sister and father's names and he confirmed the worst.

The thing that hurt me further was that her sister did not want to talk to me or allow me to take part in any kind of remembrance service. I think in some way she blamed me for her death. The whole thing was hard to come to terms with and I had several sessions of therapy to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

 

[ajstoneservices]