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- 24 Sep 2005
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Subject: Early Retirement
To all employees,
As a result of the financial status affecting this organisation, immediate steps will be implemented to reduce the number of personnel on payroll.
It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain the younger, lower paid employees at all levels.
The program to phase out older personnel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to search for employment outside the company during their final hours. Also, if they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the organization deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, (s)he will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel with Early Severance). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The organisation wishes to advise the remaining younger employees, that it will continue its policy to ensure that employees maintain the highest skills through the S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Training) program. This organization takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T our employees receive. We endowed our employees with more S.H.I.T than any other organization/company in the world. However, if any employee should feel that (s)he does not receive enough on the job S.H.I.T, they should approach their immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the S.H.I.T that you can handle. HAVE A NICE DAY, AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
Sincerely,
Personnel Management : Training. (PMT)
-0-
To all employees,
As a result of the financial status affecting this organisation, immediate steps will be implemented to reduce the number of personnel on payroll.
It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain the younger, lower paid employees at all levels.
The program to phase out older personnel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to search for employment outside the company during their final hours. Also, if they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the organization deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, (s)he will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel with Early Severance). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The organisation wishes to advise the remaining younger employees, that it will continue its policy to ensure that employees maintain the highest skills through the S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Training) program. This organization takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T our employees receive. We endowed our employees with more S.H.I.T than any other organization/company in the world. However, if any employee should feel that (s)he does not receive enough on the job S.H.I.T, they should approach their immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the S.H.I.T that you can handle. HAVE A NICE DAY, AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
Sincerely,
Personnel Management : Training. (PMT)
-0-
