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This year Jonathon Ross is to sing Mistletoe and Wine as a charity Christmas song. The P.C brigade are dreading the bit where he puts logs on the fire.

My mrs has a rare condition where her face is completely allergic to Max Factor and No.7. You couldn't make it up

My mate Dave reckon's he can tighten a wheel nut just by sitting on it. Personally I think he torque's through his arse.

The wife's been having disturbed nights recently. She keeps dreaming and shouting things like "hobbit!", "Gandalf!" and "Mordor!" through the night. She's been Tolkien in her sleep....

My lack of knowledge on Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

I saw a bloke sat in his RAC van with his head in his hands sobbing, I thought hmm, he's heading for a breakdown.

I sat next to an over-enthusiastic insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert, and through it all he offered me protection.

Chris Rea needs to leave now if he's driving home for Christmas.

Prostitutes have welcomed the decision to enforce the 20 mph speed limit as it will improve business.

One of the main roads, Western avenue, that runs through Cardiff, was 40 mph not so long ago, then it was 30 mph and from today 20 mph, a few speed cameras there too. When it changed to 30 mph loads of people got done by the cameras, expect the same in the coming weeks.

Had a pint of Greene King i.p.a. in Wetherspoons last week for £1.99.

Tough game for Wales tonight, that was one hell of a test match.

My favourite comedy, especially the first six series.

Argentina didn't turn up, George Ford will probably keep the 10 shirt, he had a good game. The sending off was ridiculous, it looked accidental, a yellow card would have been the right decision, but fair play to England winning with 14 men for pretty much the entire match.

Anyone remember watching this in the 1960's? Like a bad acid trip, the dwarf was a proper wrong 'un.

The wife said to me yesterday "I bet you can't go one day without cracking a joke about my periods" I said "You're on"

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago...

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calamari. The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild moustached green squid." "That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick". "Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."...

Some years ago I caught the train from Malmo to Stockholm and during the journey I went to the buffet for a drink. I was very surprised to see several youths dressed in “Teddy Boy” suits. I got chatting to one of them and he explained that rock and roll was very popular in Sweden. They were all...

Great drums and bass