That IS the best thing to do.
What should I do?
- Thread starter anonimouse
- Start date
That IS the best thing to do.
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you dont want to ask her about it for two reasons
1:- because you feel guilty for reading the message
2:- you fear what the truth may be.
I went through this in one relationship about 10 years ago. moved in together with a girl. kept getting funny phone calls. Phoned it back a few times and one day got a bloke on the end who denied phoning the number. Thought it was strange, but then i noticed more and more things that didnt stack up, her going out lots to see different people etc etc. Drove myself up the wall trying to work out what was going on and trying to catch her out.
I would say the same as Durgo, talk to her about it. When you talk to her dont be confrontational, but dont be meek and mild, you want an explanation and that is a reasonable, so make sure you are satisfied. I have a feeling she may well have a go at you about it, however if there is nothing going on then she should calm down and see it from your point of view as well.
All i can say is i hope you are wrong, but from experiance is be strong and dont bottle stuff up. It will eat away at you. It made my life hell for a year while it was going on and nearly broke me, finacially and mentally.
Good luck
1:- because you feel guilty for reading the message
2:- you fear what the truth may be.
I went through this in one relationship about 10 years ago. moved in together with a girl. kept getting funny phone calls. Phoned it back a few times and one day got a bloke on the end who denied phoning the number. Thought it was strange, but then i noticed more and more things that didnt stack up, her going out lots to see different people etc etc. Drove myself up the wall trying to work out what was going on and trying to catch her out.
I would say the same as Durgo, talk to her about it. When you talk to her dont be confrontational, but dont be meek and mild, you want an explanation and that is a reasonable, so make sure you are satisfied. I have a feeling she may well have a go at you about it, however if there is nothing going on then she should calm down and see it from your point of view as well.
All i can say is i hope you are wrong, but from experiance is be strong and dont bottle stuff up. It will eat away at you. It made my life hell for a year while it was going on and nearly broke me, finacially and mentally.
Good luck
From a woman's point of view...
Going down the PI route (you or someone you hire) could do irreparable damage to your relationship if she gets to find out about it. Like Durgo and Thermo said, talk to her. Ask her if you can talk, sit her down and calmly tell her that you're worried. Tell her about the text. Say you heard the text coming in and checked it in a moment of madness, then when you realised what you'd done you panicked and deleted the message. And then you got to thinking and found it all a bit strange. Yeah, guilty or innocent she might go off on one but it sounds as if you're going through hell right now, and knowing has got to be better than the not knowing, whatever the situation is. At least when you know what you're dealing with...you can work out how to deal with it.
Best of luck, and hope your fears prove unfounded.
Going down the PI route (you or someone you hire) could do irreparable damage to your relationship if she gets to find out about it. Like Durgo and Thermo said, talk to her. Ask her if you can talk, sit her down and calmly tell her that you're worried. Tell her about the text. Say you heard the text coming in and checked it in a moment of madness, then when you realised what you'd done you panicked and deleted the message. And then you got to thinking and found it all a bit strange. Yeah, guilty or innocent she might go off on one but it sounds as if you're going through hell right now, and knowing has got to be better than the not knowing, whatever the situation is. At least when you know what you're dealing with...you can work out how to deal with it.
Best of luck, and hope your fears prove unfounded.
Do not confront her
Chances are if she has been unfaithful then she wont just come out and admit it unless she is thinking of leaving you for good. which sounds very unlikely.
You will then need provide evidence or reasons for your thinking and 1 text, which i personally dont understand, isnt enough.
She will probably be angry/upset either way a)that you've found out or b)if she's innnocent that you could ever consider her doing it. And in both cases you dont have the evidence and you'll look a bit silly IMHO
Also with the PI or the new phone ideas. Ok IF you dont get caught. Very embarrassing if you do..
Your onto something is the main thing. So just wait the text thingy sounds quite good. You'll feel 10 times better when you realise its all nothing and you havent mentioned it to her.
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Chances are if she has been unfaithful then she wont just come out and admit it unless she is thinking of leaving you for good. which sounds very unlikely.
You will then need provide evidence or reasons for your thinking and 1 text, which i personally dont understand, isnt enough.
She will probably be angry/upset either way a)that you've found out or b)if she's innnocent that you could ever consider her doing it. And in both cases you dont have the evidence and you'll look a bit silly IMHO
Also with the PI or the new phone ideas. Ok IF you dont get caught. Very embarrassing if you do..
Your onto something is the main thing. So just wait the text thingy sounds quite good. You'll feel 10 times better when you realise its all nothing and you havent mentioned it to her.
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Sorry to be blunt but Confrontation is the best. Ask her why HE has her phone number when it's not necessary.
Anonimous, just one final thing from me: you might want to think about how you will feel after all this covert investigation, particularly if you find nothing. Are you going to tell her what you've done? Or are you going to carry on as usual, keeping a secret you can never reveal without also revealing that you didn't trust her? That's quite a burden.
Depends how her phone works but you could look at her "received calls" list from time to time. I can't delete mine (nokia). ALso "Dialled numbers".
A PI might get a young sounding girl to call the number, ask if it's "Dave", or make up some clever story, whatever, to try to get a name or some idea of ID.
Maybe a text, saying "You're always engaged, it's Anne, could you give me a ring this is my new number..." (land line) Everyone knows an Anne, he'd call the number saying "Anne?" which alerts the (female) PI, who then says "yes, who's that?.... " He gives first name, then she says "Sorry dahlin, which Dave/Bert/Fred...."
Progress!
PI's are a darned site cleverer than me though!
I wouldn't confront her. It's probably innocent, maybe just a one-off joke, or a jokey flirt.
Once is happenstance
Twice is suspicious coincidence
Three times is enemy action.
A PI might get a young sounding girl to call the number, ask if it's "Dave", or make up some clever story, whatever, to try to get a name or some idea of ID.
Maybe a text, saying "You're always engaged, it's Anne, could you give me a ring this is my new number..." (land line) Everyone knows an Anne, he'd call the number saying "Anne?" which alerts the (female) PI, who then says "yes, who's that?.... " He gives first name, then she says "Sorry dahlin, which Dave/Bert/Fred...."
Progress!
PI's are a darned site cleverer than me though!
I wouldn't confront her. It's probably innocent, maybe just a one-off joke, or a jokey flirt.
Once is happenstance
Twice is suspicious coincidence
Three times is enemy action.
Just to stick my oar in...
.. you confront her. She say's 'no - all innocent. Secretly stored number is perfecly legitimate...'
... Then what?
She feels you dont trust her. Would/could you accept her response that it was all innocent? Do you trust her?
What answer do you really want to hear?
a: "Yes, I was cheating" - you can work it out from there, one way or the other.
b: "No I wasn't cheating" - there you have trust issues. She's either lying or you just can't trust her. Bit of a tough walk back from that one.
Sit on it until you have something more concrete to go on, either way. Perhaps slip some story of a mate catching his g/f cheating on him into the conversation. See how she reacts. If this bloke is a workmate, see how she acts after the 'office party'.
As far as the amature PI malarky goes; I'd knock that on the head. Taking the odd sneekey peek at her phone is one thing, electronic evesdropping and hiring a PI is a whole other world of icky poo that you'd do well to save for more drastic times. Like murders, alien abductions etc..
For now, look at things objectively. Ask yourself 'Am I paranoid? Am I only just noticing things that have always been there (new hair/clothes/odd smells).. When you're sure, either way, do as others have said and talk about it. Be calm, open minded and prepared to hear a conflicting version of events.
Facts you can work with. Asumption is the mother of all ****ups.
Best of luck, pal.
.. you confront her. She say's 'no - all innocent. Secretly stored number is perfecly legitimate...'
... Then what?
She feels you dont trust her. Would/could you accept her response that it was all innocent? Do you trust her?
What answer do you really want to hear?
a: "Yes, I was cheating" - you can work it out from there, one way or the other.
b: "No I wasn't cheating" - there you have trust issues. She's either lying or you just can't trust her. Bit of a tough walk back from that one.
Sit on it until you have something more concrete to go on, either way. Perhaps slip some story of a mate catching his g/f cheating on him into the conversation. See how she reacts. If this bloke is a workmate, see how she acts after the 'office party'.
As far as the amature PI malarky goes; I'd knock that on the head. Taking the odd sneekey peek at her phone is one thing, electronic evesdropping and hiring a PI is a whole other world of icky poo that you'd do well to save for more drastic times. Like murders, alien abductions etc..
For now, look at things objectively. Ask yourself 'Am I paranoid? Am I only just noticing things that have always been there (new hair/clothes/odd smells).. When you're sure, either way, do as others have said and talk about it. Be calm, open minded and prepared to hear a conflicting version of events.
Facts you can work with. Asumption is the mother of all ****ups.
Best of luck, pal.
Anonimouse -
hope you don't mind, but as your are anonymous I asked the better half what she thought of the situation.
She pointed out that once women pass 40, with a few notable exceptions, men look upon them as invisible and of no consequence. It is therefore very pleasant if some not un-attractive male person wants to flirt. Flirting is harmless and can be a good thing. That is maybe all that your lady love is doing - she would no more carry it further than fly to the moon.
Together we have decided that a non-confrontational talk with her is called for. Explain that you read a text message in all innnocence but have been worried about it ever since and would like her to put your mind at rest. Her reaction should answer your question. After that only you can decide how to proceed.
Do let us know what happens. We feel for you in your dilemma.
hope you don't mind, but as your are anonymous I asked the better half what she thought of the situation.
She pointed out that once women pass 40, with a few notable exceptions, men look upon them as invisible and of no consequence. It is therefore very pleasant if some not un-attractive male person wants to flirt. Flirting is harmless and can be a good thing. That is maybe all that your lady love is doing - she would no more carry it further than fly to the moon.
Together we have decided that a non-confrontational talk with her is called for. Explain that you read a text message in all innnocence but have been worried about it ever since and would like her to put your mind at rest. Her reaction should answer your question. After that only you can decide how to proceed.
Do let us know what happens. We feel for you in your dilemma.
Go back my first post
P
pna
Sounds like you have decided your course of action (snooping device thingy).
If you manage to do it and not get caught, you might have more information to lead you to suspect she's cheating, or you might find nothing conclusive.
If you find nothing conclusive, it will still eat you up, and you will have some guilt to deal with as well. If your wife finds out and she isn't guilty of anything apart from a few txts, this could really harm you're relationship - it proves you dont trust her.
If you were to find something, you will still have to talk to her about it, but she will gain some moral mileage from your snooping activities.
I'm sure the best thing is to just admit you read that txt and deleted it and take it from there - if she's innocent, you will probably be forgiven - not so if you go snooping. If she's up to something, you havn't harmed your position any further.
If you manage to do it and not get caught, you might have more information to lead you to suspect she's cheating, or you might find nothing conclusive.
If you find nothing conclusive, it will still eat you up, and you will have some guilt to deal with as well. If your wife finds out and she isn't guilty of anything apart from a few txts, this could really harm you're relationship - it proves you dont trust her.
If you were to find something, you will still have to talk to her about it, but she will gain some moral mileage from your snooping activities.
I'm sure the best thing is to just admit you read that txt and deleted it and take it from there - if she's innocent, you will probably be forgiven - not so if you go snooping. If she's up to something, you havn't harmed your position any further.
E
EdwardCurrent
Hi
Not that I am a curtain twitching nosey parker, but I was just wondering if there's any fresh developments ???
I do hope that your mind will be at rest from this over x-mas otherwise could be a trying time believe me,
Keep your chin, and pecker up.
Ed
Not that I am a curtain twitching nosey parker, but I was just wondering if there's any fresh developments ???
I do hope that your mind will be at rest from this over x-mas otherwise could be a trying time believe me,
Keep your chin, and pecker up.
Ed
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Very tricky situation isnt it..
You might have a lot to lose you might not..
You might have a lot to lose because if your wrong..it could cause untold upset and irripearable damage...women dont like being distrusted either.
You might not have a lot to lose because if she really is that way inclined...then youll be well rid of her.
Someone told me that years ago..I used to suffer badly with jealousy and spoilt a couple of good relationships becasue of it....I told a work mate about me 'unfounded' suspicions and he said so why do you want to stay with the old slag?...I was really annoyed that he called he that...and told him 'shes not a slag' ..he said exactly...so why are you accusing her of being one...why do you want to be with someone like that...
He was making a point...and I never forget it.
There might be an 'option c' here for you...
Forget it...ok she might have had a dabble...if the signs are that she isnt now..leave it...keep an eye on here of course...but forget it...at the end of the day shes still with you isnt she??
Blimey how many married men and women have had a crafty snog and a grope in a nightclub????...its all forgotton in the morning.
Maybe my mrs has..last dance at the christmas party and all that...she works with coppers and we all know that they are like!...but...she comes home to ME ...and im confident enough in our marriage that she always will...as I will
If you have doubts about the strength of each of your feelings towards each other then ...as everyone says...sit down and talk.
If you feel everything is fine...IMO id leave it...theres bigger more important things in this evil ol world to worry about.
If someone had told me taht 30 years ago I wouldnt have accepted it mind...but looking back they would have been right
Very best of luck...Im really sorry your in the situation you are.
You might have a lot to lose you might not..
You might have a lot to lose because if your wrong..it could cause untold upset and irripearable damage...women dont like being distrusted either.
You might not have a lot to lose because if she really is that way inclined...then youll be well rid of her.
Someone told me that years ago..I used to suffer badly with jealousy and spoilt a couple of good relationships becasue of it....I told a work mate about me 'unfounded' suspicions and he said so why do you want to stay with the old slag?...I was really annoyed that he called he that...and told him 'shes not a slag' ..he said exactly...so why are you accusing her of being one...why do you want to be with someone like that...
He was making a point...and I never forget it.
There might be an 'option c' here for you...
Forget it...ok she might have had a dabble...if the signs are that she isnt now..leave it...keep an eye on here of course...but forget it...at the end of the day shes still with you isnt she??
Blimey how many married men and women have had a crafty snog and a grope in a nightclub????...its all forgotton in the morning.
Maybe my mrs has..last dance at the christmas party and all that...she works with coppers and we all know that they are like!...but...she comes home to ME ...and im confident enough in our marriage that she always will...as I will
If you have doubts about the strength of each of your feelings towards each other then ...as everyone says...sit down and talk.
If you feel everything is fine...IMO id leave it...theres bigger more important things in this evil ol world to worry about.
If someone had told me taht 30 years ago I wouldnt have accepted it mind...but looking back they would have been right
Very best of luck...Im really sorry your in the situation you are.
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