Pub jokes

[JBR]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, and Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss man walk into a posh pub.
The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

Have you heard about that awful pub called the Fiddle?
It really is a vile inn.

 

[Whitespirit66]

Shakespeare walks into a pub.
The landlord said 'Get out - you're bard!'

Quasimodo walked into and pub and asked the barman for a whisky.
'Bells alright?' said the barman.
To which, Quasi replied 'mind your own bloody business!'


The old ones are the best.

 

[Brigadier]

Quasimodo's wife gets the wok from the kitchen cupboard.

"Great!", says Quas. "Chinese for tea tonight!"

"No," replies his wife, "I'm just going to iron your shirts."

 

[handyjack]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender.

The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopaedia.

The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

 

[Newboy]

Horse walks into a bar
Barman says "why the long face?"

Horse walks into a bar

Horse: I'll have a whisky please
Barman : We've got one named after you
Horse : A whiskey called Brian - no thanks

 

[Newboy]

Barman - What’ll you have?
Me - Surprise me. - He showed me a naked picture of my wife.


A bear walks into a bar
Bear - I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.
Barman - ‘Why the big pause?
Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’

 

[EFLImpudence]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman walk into a pub.

The landlord says "Is this a joke?"

 

[JohnD]

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar

Holds up two fingers.

Says "Five beers, please."

 

[handyjack]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head. ‘What the hell is that?’ asks the barman. The toad replies, ‘I don’t know – it started as a wart on my ass and grew.’

 

[handyjack]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gives her one.