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Bi fold doors? Easy to install Or even sliding doors.

How big has the hole got?

Yes they exist, topps tiles is one place I know that sell them.

Cupboard paint is pretty durable or even gloss I would have thought to be good enough.

You got the idea, use a blade thats wider than the area, then just sand/scrape away any excess. I always like to twice fill aswell to get the perfect finish, my preference is easi fill, but toupret among others may be better as you wouldn't need a bag of easi fill for that job. You can buy a...

Sandtex is some pretty decent stuff, probably round the Sharpe edges. How smooth are you hoping for?

Pretty shabby job done.

Quarry tiles, I think the salvage yards will sell them for £2-£4 each, depending on what type which I have know idea between them.

I only ask because I would advise to open the crack up a little bit more before filling. If its not been plastered then be careful not to go to deep, 2mm would be plenty

I feel that someone who goes on the back of their own name gives me more confidence and trust.

Is it plasterboard with skim on top?

Fine filler is correct, open up the crack a little bit more and fill. Caulk is more for bridging a gap between two different materials. ie between skirting and wall. Using caulk in a crack like this will shadow under the paint and stick out like a sore thumb.

Have it re skimmed or as advised above board over then skim, which to me sounds a better option. If you really are on a tight budget and want to do it yourself then the best option would be board over with tapered edge then tape and fill.

I'm assuming the OP wants to get into some home projects so that would be a valuable tool, not get into building barns.

Re skim or tape and joint as an alternative. Re skim would be the best job.

If you have a close look or even open the crack up a little bit you should see a mesh underneath. If there isn't any then any slight bit of movement will create another crack. If all is good then you shouldn't experience anything this bad unless there is a lot of weight above pushing down.

Wear long sleeves and put rubber gloves on. I only normally experience this problem with water based so just get on with it.

You are pretty much always going to get some degree of cracking where the boards join, it is probably just lack of maintenace the reason being they are that bad. Could even be the case that no scrim tape was used (fingers crossed that's not the case).

Decent size table saw and a crosscut sled, nothing foolish about it.

Open them up a little bit then fill, sand then fill again, sounds daft filling twice but that ensures the best finish. I always use easi fill but that may not suit your needs as you probably won't need a big bag of filler, toupret is probably the filler of choice by others. Is there a loft...