Differences Between Men and Women

[Gary_M]

Women's Dictionary

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm bl**dy upset!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men's Dictionary

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice t its!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home and have sex!"

 

[toffee]

how do you find the time to do any work gary??

 

[markie]

Gray_m

You have missed the well used one ( I'M WASHING MY TONIGHT )
in other words pi#s off.

 

[Gary_M]

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs - using husband's/boyfirend's razor. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed or hopping about on one leg - and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your nob in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Have a good laugh to yourself at how loud your fart sounds in the shower, and how the water enhances the aroma.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee in the shower.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off with the clean towel on the rail - rubbing it around the shower and toilet bowl with your foot.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire nob size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your nob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

[Gary_M]

how do you find the time to do any work gary??

I work for myself

 

[toffee]

ahh..
work
play play play
work
play
work play play play play....
hope your diet is high in iron

 

[markie]

Gary_m

2 good posts, keep up the good work.

 

[Moz]

oiiii........ lad....

Gary_M... contributes here ... an he reposts good stuff ...WELL DONE

CHEERS : )

markie
sound.....

 

[Gary_M]

CHEERS : )

The Stella's in the post Moz

 

[noodlz]

Cracking up at Gary's posts...glad you're on our side

Good on ya Moz

 

[Gary_M]

Cracking up at Gary's posts...glad you're on our side

Good on ya Moz

You're just after some Stella too Fair enough - it's in the post

 

[noodlz]

Wahaaay