Jokes thread...?
- Thread starter ColJack
- Start date
Sponsored Links
Y
Yes
they are not trapped they can walk out between the bollardsJohnD said:Well done, noseall
That's the correct answer!
looks just about wide enough to drive through the bottom 2.. with about an inch to spare..
Sponsored Links
you're a curmudgeonly antihumourist.
Quick, read
//www.diynot.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=93912&start=15
before I edit it out.
Quick, read
//www.diynot.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=93912&start=15
before I edit it out.
I was in an office where two floors were being refurbished (a long time ago before mobiles). Two guys were dividing a large room with two doors into two seperate rooms. They were discovered a few hours later locked in one of the rooms. They had entered by one door, built the partition wall only to discover the other door was locked - guess which side of the partition they were on!
As it's the joke thread........
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover
in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game. The boy says,
"I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my
cupboard now"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover
in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game. The boy says,
"I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my
cupboard now"
I hear they've named the guy who was burned during the Glasgow airport attack..
Dr Singe Maheed...
Dr Singe Maheed...
I was driving home one Saturday night. It was pretty late and I was looking forward to getting in.
As I was driving past the park, a man stepped off the pavement and waved me down. I opened the window a few inches to see what he wanted
"Can you give us a push, mate?" he asked
He looked a little the worse for wear, and I thought it best not to get involved
"Go on," he said, "It'll only take you a couple of minutes"
I explained that I hadn't got time, and said I was sorry not to be able to help, and drove on.
Further down the road, I was thinking it over, and realised he was probably just as anxious to get home as me, and the road was very quiet, it could be hours before another driver came by. So I turned round and drove back. When I got to the spot, there was no sign of him, so I wound down my window and shouted into the night:
"I've come back to give you a push... where are you?"
His voice came out of the darkness,
"I'm over here... on this swing."
As I was driving past the park, a man stepped off the pavement and waved me down. I opened the window a few inches to see what he wanted
"Can you give us a push, mate?" he asked
He looked a little the worse for wear, and I thought it best not to get involved
"Go on," he said, "It'll only take you a couple of minutes"
I explained that I hadn't got time, and said I was sorry not to be able to help, and drove on.
Further down the road, I was thinking it over, and realised he was probably just as anxious to get home as me, and the road was very quiet, it could be hours before another driver came by. So I turned round and drove back. When I got to the spot, there was no sign of him, so I wound down my window and shouted into the night:
"I've come back to give you a push... where are you?"
His voice came out of the darkness,
"I'm over here... on this swing."
This little hedgehog wanted to cross the road, but was a bit wary of the
traffic, he stood their a while and two little rabbits came along. "What's
the matter hedgehog?" they asked, he explained he wanted to cross the
road but thought it might be dangerous.
"No problem" said the rabbits, "we'll show you how"
The first rabbit started to cross the road and he was half way over when
a car came along, the rabbit just bopped down, the car went over the top
of him, and he continued over to the other side of the road.
"See, nothing to it" said the first rabbit.
The hedgehog wasn't too convinced.
"Alright I'll show you how" said the second rabbit.
The second rabbit started to cross the road and sure enough another car came along, the second rabbit did the same thing, just bopped down and the car went over the top of him, and he got to the other side safely.
This was enough to convince the little hedgehog that he could cross safely too.
He started out and he was halfway across when a car came along --
SPLATT !!!!
The first rabbit turned to the second rabbit and said "Do you know, I haven't seen a Reliant Robin along this road for ages"
traffic, he stood their a while and two little rabbits came along. "What's
the matter hedgehog?" they asked, he explained he wanted to cross the
road but thought it might be dangerous.
"No problem" said the rabbits, "we'll show you how"
The first rabbit started to cross the road and he was half way over when
a car came along, the rabbit just bopped down, the car went over the top
of him, and he continued over to the other side of the road.
"See, nothing to it" said the first rabbit.
The hedgehog wasn't too convinced.
"Alright I'll show you how" said the second rabbit.
The second rabbit started to cross the road and sure enough another car came along, the second rabbit did the same thing, just bopped down and the car went over the top of him, and he got to the other side safely.
This was enough to convince the little hedgehog that he could cross safely too.
He started out and he was halfway across when a car came along --
SPLATT !!!!
The first rabbit turned to the second rabbit and said "Do you know, I haven't seen a Reliant Robin along this road for ages"
- Joined
- 19 Apr 2007
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 0
- Country
Whats Green and Smells of Paint...?
Green Paint!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot...?
A Carrot
Green Paint!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot...?
A Carrot
met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my boyfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. He said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my boyfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. He said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
Sponsored Links
