Lets have some laughs.

[empip]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The A-shole is usually in charge !!

-------------------

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[empip]

THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild love making, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.0 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having s ex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake upuntil 8.0 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

"You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!!"


THE SECOND AFFAIR
A couple had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"


The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!

THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off the be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed.


"Schwarz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent".
"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied.
"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"

FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her
face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his
pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must onfess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in pea! ce, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."