Politically correct jokes.

[gasbanni]

Did I say correct sorry I meant incorrect !


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb ?
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

 

[namsag]

Was walking up the street when someone hit me with a lump of cheese ....

I thought thats not very mature

 

[alumni]

My girlfriend told me to see things from a womans point of view

So i looked out of the kitchen window.

 

[Space cat]

I think I've posted these before but here goes anyway:

"Spring in the air Bishop?"
"Spring in the air yourself Archdeacon."

"Chilly tonight Bishop?"
"Moussaka Archdeacon."

"Frosty outside Bishop?"
"Just a cornflake Archdeacon."

"Is that a tap on the door Bishop?"
"No Archdeacon, but it is a very unusual handle."

Time I wasn't here --

 

[pred]

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.



Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[Alarm]

I have a big lump on my penis.

When I am finished I will call her a cab.

 

[Alarm]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,a twisted ankle and grazed knees,Apparently she'd stood him up.

 

[Space cat]

When I am finished I will call her a cab.

Why? Is she black with big bumpers and is taking as long as possible to get you there?

 

[ellal]

A blonde asked her boyfriend why her wellies had L and R on them..

"That's so you know which foot to put them on", he replied..

"Oh, so that's why my knickers have C&A on them", she said

 

[alumni]

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Muamba.

 

[alumni]

My wife and daughter say they are leaving me because i'm obsessed with Horse Racing. In fact, i've just looked out of the fornt window
- and they're off.

 

[Nige F]

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

.

We had a storm here - I went to the cemetary to see if your gran`s tombstone was still standing - there was a telephone line laying on the grave - I thought she couldn`t afford to have the phone put on I`m so worried about grave robbers after her jewellery - I`m going to get a stonemason to put a note on the headstone - " She left her body to science"

 

[Space cat]

Some old ones:

Two nuns in the bath --

"Where's the soap?"
"It does, doesn't it."

Two nuns riding home on a tandem --

"I've never come this way before."
"Me neither; it must be the cobble stones."

And a new one (well I just heard it for the first time today) --

A South African went into a shop and asked for four kindles --

 

[wreckedit]

A copper found two yobo's and arrested them because one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

The first one was put on a charge and the second one was let off !
















I so cannot help laughing at that one every time I think about it.

 

[Diane2]

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