Sh*t jokes forum.
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Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking...........
and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking...........
and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
"WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
AFTER SOME THOUGHT THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
"WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
AFTER SOME THOUGHT THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
Yesterday my daughter-in-law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when she came over yesterday I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when she came over yesterday I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husbands temper.
The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The docto...r says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick....."
The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The docto...r says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick....."
Irony
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'
'Ok' says the 4 year old, agreeing with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
'Oh, **** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops!'
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'
'Ok' says the 4 year old, agreeing with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
'Oh, **** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops!'
A man and his buddy are changing in the locker room at the gym and he's shocked to see that his buddy is wearing a bra.
“I know it's your own business and all.” He says, “But I'm curious, how long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
“I know it's your own business and all.” He says, “But I'm curious, how long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect, I meant "wifi," not "wife."
I was swallowing a couple of tablets at the sink this morning when my wife walked into the bathroom "What are they for?" she asked.
"They stop my cock getting any bigger" I joked.
"I assume you've been taking them since birth ?" she replied
"They stop my cock getting any bigger" I joked.
"I assume you've been taking them since birth ?" she replied
My wife asked me if I'd miss her if she died.
"Of course" I replied
"Would you marry again?" she asked
"I don't know." I said
"If you did" she went on "would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"No way" I said "she's left handed."
"Of course" I replied
"Would you marry again?" she asked
"I don't know." I said
"If you did" she went on "would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"No way" I said "she's left handed."
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