Alternative punchlines for the literally-minded

10 Apr 2004
Reaction score
United Kingdom
Came across these on the net (as you do), not entirely sure why but they made me smile:

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?

Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Repeated absences and stealing.

So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.

How do you brainwash a blonde?

A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's
office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder
case in a remote field.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

" Would you like an ice pack? "

Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"


You want more?

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him.


A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress
unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realising that he hates his life.

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls
over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw
earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".

A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.

Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's ****ing cold.

A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving
metal boxes with wheels.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your
neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing
FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal,
dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you
to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same
thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the
room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains
the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a
harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."

A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, "You need an operation".

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to
provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and
I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try
to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and
location of this tumour, and I think we should move quickly if we're going
to get our best results."

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to
keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the
adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable
sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo
and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a
hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one'
he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of
the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly
splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot
hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate
to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set
for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply
distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the
added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother
was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her
quite forgetful and distracted of late.

Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually
encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging
itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture
removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.

Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental
Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken,
being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen
trout fisherman.

"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for
excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most
iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope.
He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the
clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if
they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.

The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan
must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this
accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on
their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a
study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a
day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women
use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they

Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk to much,
which was possibly the point of the study."

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But
the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in
Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?


Well, it's really nice.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout
different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the
Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure
shipping routes.

An old man marries a younger woman, but cannot satisfy her in the bedroom.
They go to counselling and the therapist suggests they take a vacation to
somewhere romantic. They do so, but they old man is still unable to
satisfy his new wife. He makes a call to the therapist who recommends the
old man hire a pool boy to wave a white towel over them during their love
making session. The old man will try anything to please his new bride, so
he hires a pool boy for the job, but he still cannot please his young
wife, so he calls the therapist again. This time the therapist says he
should wave the flag while the pool boy has a go at the wife. The old man
says indignantly, "That's the ****ing stupidest idea I have ever heard!"
and hangs up. They live out the remainder of his short life miserable and
never are intimate again.

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still
a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible?
You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry
older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't
have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell
them it was the best I ever had."

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The
kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby
overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm'
say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an
oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and
cheese with optional garnishes.

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method
of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a
"Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to
cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining
about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really
that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided
you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you
see. People these days are really selfish.

How do you make a swiss roll?

Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either
jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled
into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
Sponsored Links
Knock knock
Who's there
The Milkman
The Milkman who
It's the milkman, can you pay your bill please. :LOL:

What's fastest Hot or Cold?

Since cold is merely an absence of heat, it hasn't actually got a speed in it's own right. Hot is a state of having heat and so also doesn't have any speed associated with it, but the heat can travel at different speeds dependant on it's means of transmision. Some of these means may involve the heat being converted into alternative energy sources en route, before being converted back at it's destination. In which case the heat hasn't really moved at it's percieved speed at all, merely destroyed in one place, and then recreated at another location with the energy, thereby derived.

What do you call an Irish phylosipher.
Depends what his name is.

What do you say to a man with a seagull on his head.
Sorry I don't mean to stare, but the strange behaviour of that seagull attracted my attention.

A man goes into a psychiatrists office and says, "do you mind if I clean this office". The psychiatrist says, "Yeah, OK, I was just going home anyway".

Where do you weigh Whales?
In a Japanese fish market.
Sponsored Links