STOP PRESS! GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE NEW STEALTH TAX! 
We've all seen the advert: "I was sent to install an alarm but I was given the wrong type of ladder ---"
It has come to the attention of the HSE that ladders and scaffolding are dangerous so they have proposed new legislation to restrict their use. In simple terms, anyone who wants to work at a height of more than two metres will have to prove their competence to do so and any tradesperson who needs to use either ladders or scaffolding will have to be a member of the Association of Registered Scaffolding Erectors (A.R.S.E.).
According to a leaked government memo, would-be A.R.S.E.'s will have to pass an exam and pay an annual £1,000 registration fee. "It's brilliant really", said a spokesman who didn't want to be identified. "Think of all the people who have to use ladders: roofers, painters, window cleaners, aerial erectors? This is going to be worth a tidy little sum."
The HSE envisages a lot of resistance at first but expects that those affected will eventually see that compulsory registration is in their own interests. "The really good bit is that we can rely upon A.R.S.E.'s to police the scheme themselves. After paying out all that money, they'll want to protect their monopoly so they'll be quick to rat on anyone they suspect of not being registered - and it's not easy to hide a ladder. All we have to do is sit back and collect the fees!"
Note to Gordon Brown:
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! It's a scheme that's way, way ahead of its time. It belongs to a future in which nearly everybody is employed by the government to impose ever more complex regulations on the rest of us and a fistful of registration cards will be a status symbol. I can even foresee the old eighties bar game of Wad being resurrected in a new form: A*se! Somebody shouts A*SE! and the one with the fewest cards has to buy the mineral water.
We've all seen the advert: "I was sent to install an alarm but I was given the wrong type of ladder ---"
It has come to the attention of the HSE that ladders and scaffolding are dangerous so they have proposed new legislation to restrict their use. In simple terms, anyone who wants to work at a height of more than two metres will have to prove their competence to do so and any tradesperson who needs to use either ladders or scaffolding will have to be a member of the Association of Registered Scaffolding Erectors (A.R.S.E.).
According to a leaked government memo, would-be A.R.S.E.'s will have to pass an exam and pay an annual £1,000 registration fee. "It's brilliant really", said a spokesman who didn't want to be identified. "Think of all the people who have to use ladders: roofers, painters, window cleaners, aerial erectors? This is going to be worth a tidy little sum."
The HSE envisages a lot of resistance at first but expects that those affected will eventually see that compulsory registration is in their own interests. "The really good bit is that we can rely upon A.R.S.E.'s to police the scheme themselves. After paying out all that money, they'll want to protect their monopoly so they'll be quick to rat on anyone they suspect of not being registered - and it's not easy to hide a ladder.
All we have to do is sit back and collect the fees!" Note to Gordon Brown:
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
It's a scheme that's way, way ahead of its time. It belongs to a future in which nearly everybody is employed by the government to impose ever more complex regulations on the rest of us and a fistful of registration cards will be a status symbol. I can even foresee the old eighties bar game of Wad being resurrected in a new form: A*se! Somebody shouts A*SE! and the one with the fewest cards has to buy the mineral water. 
