How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

[Qedelec]

Bl**dy 'ell ban what made you dig that one up, you bored or something.

Try this then.

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR

(POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
Main-brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case........Kiss me Hardy."

 

[ban-all-sheds]

Letter from the Duke of Wellington to the British Foreign Office in London - written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the to number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.