Joke for the lads....

[Brightness]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping
at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets
get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department
where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she
was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a
shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I
think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

[Gary_M]

 

[williams89]

BRIGHTNESS YOU ARE A STAR.

BE HAPPY

 

[Gary_M]

Another joke for the lads

This really dodgy looking guy gets into an elevator, where already there is a beautiful woman. As the elevator begins its journey, the guy starts to lurk about, making the woman feel very uncomfortable. Eventually he comes close to her and says,

"Excuse me miss, can I smell you f*nny"?

She is disgusted and replies,

"No, you certainly cannot" !!!!!

He says,

"Must be your feet then"

 

[Brightness]

PMSL I've got tears rolling down my cheeks after that one Gary_M !

 

[noodlz]

...and another...

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence.

Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue!

I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong, the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?

Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green.

I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?

Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps?

The teacher says,no, why?

Johnny says: Then I definitely Sh*t my pants!

 

[notb665]

"Today we are going to learn a new word" said Teacher, "and that word is 'contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with that word in?" "Yes," repies Johnny, "I caught the measles, because it is contagious". "Well done," said Teacher, "anyone else?". Sarah put her hand up. "My brother had chicken pox which is contagious". "Well done again," said Teacher, "any more?". Little Fred puts his hand up. "My Dad said he saw our neighbour creosoting his fence, and that it took the contagious".

 

[Brightness]

"Today we are going to learn a new word" said Teacher, "and that word is 'contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with that word in?" "Yes," repies Johnny, "I caught the measles, because it is contagious". "Well done," said Teacher, "anyone else?". Sarah put her hand up. "My brother had chicken pox which is contagious". "Well done again," said Teacher, "any more?". Little Fred puts his hand up. "My Dad said he saw our neighbour creosoting his fence, and that it took the contagious".

Ehhhh I don't get it

 

[kendor]

"Today we are going to learn a new word" said Teacher, "and that word is 'contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with that word in?" "Yes," repies Johnny, "I caught the measles, because it is contagious". "Well done," said Teacher, "anyone else?". Sarah put her hand up. "My brother had chicken pox which is contagious". "Well done again," said Teacher, "any more?". Little Fred puts his hand up. "My Dad said he saw our neighbour creosoting his fence, and that it took the contagious".

Ehhhh I don't get it

think of something smelly like fish

 

[Gary_M]

"Today we are going to learn a new word" said Teacher, "and that word is 'contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with that word in?" "Yes," repies Johnny, "I caught the measles, because it is contagious". "Well done," said Teacher, "anyone else?". Sarah put her hand up. "My brother had chicken pox which is contagious". "Well done again," said Teacher, "any more?". Little Fred puts his hand up. "My Dad said he saw our neighbour creosoting his fence, and that it took the contagious".

Ehhhh I don't get it

Take the first syllable from the word 'contagious' and read it aloud a few times - it'll soom come to you (no innuendos meant )

 

[noodlz]

Teacher had another lesson, this time asking the kids to use the word "indefinitely" correctly in a sentence.
Little Johnny's hand shot up, Miss, Miss, I know...
Jane, said the teacher, knowing Johnny was trouble.
Jane: I waited for a bus indefinitely.
Teacher: Good, and anyone else?
Johnny: Miss, me Miss, me...
Teacher: James
James: I waited for a train indefinitely.
Teacher: Good, but can someone try to use it in a different way?
Johnny: Miss, please Miss, pleeeeze!
Teacher: Alright Johnny, go ahead.
Johnny: When I felt my balls slapping against her a*se I knew I was in, definitely!

 

[Gary_M]

There is this couple, and the wife is very self conscious. She's always asking her husband if she's still pretty, if she's too fat, and if her boobs are okay.

Well, one day she is standing in front of the mirror naked and asks her husband, "Honey, are my boobs too small?"

"No, honey, they're fine," he replies.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, but if its really bothering you and you want to make them bigger, why don't you try rubbing toilet paper between them."

So for the next couple of weeks the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day.

At the end of a couple of weeks, she gets in front of the mirror again.

"Honey, this toilet paper thing doesn't work?"

"Don't know why", he replies, "It worked on your a*se"

 

[Brightness]

Take the first syllable from the word 'contagious' and read it aloud a few times - it'll soom come to you (no innuendos meant )

Oh durrrrrrrrrr thanks how thick am I? In my defence I've had a migraine most of the day

 

[dabaldie]

hmm. how long before richard starts a riot down this end of the country!

mods will prob remove it anyway.

 

[Gary_M]

Oh durrrrrrrrrr thanks how thick am I? In my defence I've had a migraine most of the day

Sorry to hear about the migraine You should treat yourself to some choccies (with reference to your other post ) Are you stressed about something?