jokes

[markie]

A blonde wanting to earn some extra cash decided to hire herself out as a handyman-women,
She started canvassing in a wealthy neighborhood, she came to the first door and asked the men if he had any odd jobs she could do.

The man replies, you can you paint my porch for £50,

The blonde agrees, so the man gives her 2 tins of paint and says if you need more paint let me know and i'll get some more,

A short time later the blonde knocked on his door to colect her money,
your finished already he asked, yes the blonde answered, and i had paint left over so i give it two coats, impressed the man reached in his pocket and hands over the £50, And by the way, the blonde added, Thats not a porch, it's a FERRARI.


Did you hear about the blonde that couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope...


Did you hear about the blonde that couldn't call 911, because there was no 11 button on her phone..


Did you hear about the blonde that after losing in a breaststroke competition, complained that other swimmers were using there arms

 

[markie]

signs that you are too drunk...

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group..

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named barley and hops..

 

[empip]

Such a waste
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

[noseall]

wife asked me for five grand for a boob job.
i said "rub some toilet paper between your cleavage."
"how will that make my boobs bigger" she replied
"well it worked for your a**e"!!

 

[vokera80e]

The wife came back from the doctors,i said how did you get on love,she said the doctor wants me to start driving a big lorry,i said what do you mean,she said well he wants me to take an HIV Test..........




Then a couple of days later she went back,she said to the doctor ive got this discharge,The doctor said hop up on the couch,after a few minutes the doctor said i can't find nothing wrong...........then the wife said--Yes but when are you going to have a look at my ear.......