Dear Mr Ainsworth (or whoever is the Secretary of State for Defence this week).
In this time of recruiting troubles and the public backlash of our young men coming back from Afghanistan via Wootton Bassett, perhaps you could look at the following proposal.
Recruiting ex-servicemen over the age of 50:
(This is not as stupid as it sounds.)
I am over 50 and the MOD think I'm too old to rejoin the Army and track down terrorists. You can't be older than 33 to join the Army, other than as a bandsman. You have got the whole thing back to front. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, you ought to take us old soldiers. In fact you shouldn't be able to join the Army until you're at least 33.
To start: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old men only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the Taliban.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be grumpy, and a grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.” Grumpy old men moan a lot and are very impatient, perhaps letting us kill some Taliban that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old soldiers need to get up early to have a pee so, like I said, “I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be killing some Taliban”.
If we got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, just remembering Name, Rank, and Number is going to be a real problem.
Basic Training would be easier for old soldiers. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at by RSMs and more recently wives and we're used to soft food.
They could ease up on the assault course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side and if I did I would find a way round. Nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy in general. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. However the ability to drop to the ground at a moment’s notice gets easier the older we get – Usually as the knees give out.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids safe at home, to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old soldiers track down the Taliban and other terrorists. The last thing an enemy position would want to see heading their way, is a few thousand ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
For each old soldier that did pay the ultimate price to defend Queen and Country, the Government will save paying out on OAP pensions, heating allowances, meals on wheels etc. etc. It’s a win-win situation for them.
Now, not being sexist, let’s not forget the ladies:
How about recruiting menopausal women; you think Men have attitudes. Oh my Lord!
If nothing else, put them on Force Protection. The Taliban would not get closer than 5 miles to a CLP or a FOB!
Yours in all seriousness
A retired RCT Soldier.
In this time of recruiting troubles and the public backlash of our young men coming back from Afghanistan via Wootton Bassett, perhaps you could look at the following proposal.
Recruiting ex-servicemen over the age of 50:
(This is not as stupid as it sounds.)
I am over 50 and the MOD think I'm too old to rejoin the Army and track down terrorists. You can't be older than 33 to join the Army, other than as a bandsman. You have got the whole thing back to front. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, you ought to take us old soldiers. In fact you shouldn't be able to join the Army until you're at least 33.
To start: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old men only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the Taliban.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be grumpy, and a grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.” Grumpy old men moan a lot and are very impatient, perhaps letting us kill some Taliban that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old soldiers need to get up early to have a pee so, like I said, “I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be killing some Taliban”.
If we got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, just remembering Name, Rank, and Number is going to be a real problem.
Basic Training would be easier for old soldiers. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at by RSMs and more recently wives and we're used to soft food.
They could ease up on the assault course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side and if I did I would find a way round. Nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy in general. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. However the ability to drop to the ground at a moment’s notice gets easier the older we get – Usually as the knees give out.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids safe at home, to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old soldiers track down the Taliban and other terrorists. The last thing an enemy position would want to see heading their way, is a few thousand ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
For each old soldier that did pay the ultimate price to defend Queen and Country, the Government will save paying out on OAP pensions, heating allowances, meals on wheels etc. etc. It’s a win-win situation for them.
Now, not being sexist, let’s not forget the ladies:
How about recruiting menopausal women; you think Men have attitudes. Oh my Lord!
If nothing else, put them on Force Protection. The Taliban would not get closer than 5 miles to a CLP or a FOB!
Yours in all seriousness
A retired RCT Soldier.
