Some we've seen before but a few new crackers, I thought. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death. I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...... I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present. I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag. I've just had a letter back from screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said: "I would like to come back as a cow". I said: "You're obviously not listening". Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer". The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!! A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'