Sh*t jokes forum.
- Thread starter joe-90
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Yes, I admit it. Quite honestly, I only have one joke that I genuinely made up myself a long time ago:
Man goes to doctor.
'Doctor, doctor, can you help me? Every time I have a pee it goes everywhere and I make a right mess.'
'Well get your old man out and let's have a look.' (Man drops trousers.) 'Ah, I see what the problem is. There should be one hole at the end of your tool, but you have nearly a dozen. I know someone who can help you, though.'
'Oh, thank God for that. Is he a urologist?'
'No, he's a clarinettist. He'll show you how to hold it.'
A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and Nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? --It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have A real grudge? --
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? --All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? --She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? -- I got proof.
What kind of proof? --
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover"
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and Nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? --It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have A real grudge? --
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? --All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? --She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? -- I got proof.
What kind of proof? --
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover"
Here's one that I haven't nicked from another forum. I was told it by a mate many years ago, so it's probably been out so long that everyone has forgotten it.
It's regarding Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.
Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street to find Holmes painting the front door yellow.
"Good heavens, Holmes, what on earth is that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." (Say it quickly!)
It's regarding Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.
Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street to find Holmes painting the front door yellow.
"Good heavens, Holmes, what on earth is that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." (Say it quickly!)
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Tha reminds me of the old story of a court being in session when suddenly a bloke wearing a scarf around his mouth hurried in and jogged to each woman in there and squeezed their breasts before running out.
A little bemused, the judge leant forward and asked the usher what happened, to which he got the reply..."Don't worry m'lord. We record that as 'a muffled titter ran round the courtroom' "
A little bemused, the judge leant forward and asked the usher what happened, to which he got the reply..."Don't worry m'lord. We record that as 'a muffled titter ran round the courtroom' "
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire engine,' the fire fighter says with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little girl,' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire engine,' the fire fighter says with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little girl,' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
A chap takes his young daughter with him to do the Saturday morning shopping errands.
She's a very good girl and behaves impeccably so on their way to the barber shop they nip into the bakers where he buys his daughter a small treat.
As he's getting his hair cut his daughter stands next to him nibbling on delicacy purchased in the bakery.
The father says to her "you're going to get hair on your muffin",
"yes, I know" she replies "and I'm going to grow tits as well."
She's a very good girl and behaves impeccably so on their way to the barber shop they nip into the bakers where he buys his daughter a small treat.
As he's getting his hair cut his daughter stands next to him nibbling on delicacy purchased in the bakery.
The father says to her "you're going to get hair on your muffin",
"yes, I know" she replies "and I'm going to grow tits as well."
2 Irishmen are in a pub chatting about films
one of the Irishmen says "whats the name of that film set in ancient Greece with Brad Pitt in it? I cant think of the name of it"
"Troy"
"I am Paddy, but I still cant remember"
one of the Irishmen says "whats the name of that film set in ancient Greece with Brad Pitt in it? I cant think of the name of it"
"Troy"
"I am Paddy, but I still cant remember"
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit & it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt & it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit & it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt & it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Guy goes to the Doctors, because he can't stop stuttering.
Says to the Doctor, ddddoc ccccan you hhhhelp me I ccccan't ssstop ssstuttering.
The Doctor says, OK go behind that screen and remove all your clothes. This he does and shows himself to the Doctor.
The Doctor says it's obvious what's wrong with you, your ***** is 8 " too long, if we remove that 8" your stammer will go.
Aaaare you ssssure ddddoc, yes I'm sure, says the Doctor.
Later that day the guy wakes from his operation, and says, wow doc that really has worked, thanks so much.
No problem says the Doctor.
2 Weeks later the guy comes back, and says, Doc I know the operation worked fine, but my wife has gone ballistic about it, and wants me back how I was. can you fix it for me?
The Doctor says........nnnnnot bbbbbloody llllikely.
Says to the Doctor, ddddoc ccccan you hhhhelp me I ccccan't ssstop ssstuttering.
The Doctor says, OK go behind that screen and remove all your clothes. This he does and shows himself to the Doctor.
The Doctor says it's obvious what's wrong with you, your ***** is 8 " too long, if we remove that 8" your stammer will go.
Aaaare you ssssure ddddoc, yes I'm sure, says the Doctor.
Later that day the guy wakes from his operation, and says, wow doc that really has worked, thanks so much.
No problem says the Doctor.
2 Weeks later the guy comes back, and says, Doc I know the operation worked fine, but my wife has gone ballistic about it, and wants me back how I was. can you fix it for me?
The Doctor says........nnnnnot bbbbbloody llllikely.
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