while we are waiting...........

[breezer]

bloke walks into a bar, ouch. it was an iron bar.


skeleton goes into a pub, pint of lager and a mop please

white horse goes into a pub, "whisky please barman".
barman looks at the horse and says "we have a whisky named after you".
horse says "what?, Eric?"

question.

what is an ocasional table the rest of the time?

 

[WDIK]

Collard Greens
An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jenkins, III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Junebug Jenkins, III ,
I am feeling p retty bad because it look like I wont be able to plant my collard green garden this year. Im just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jenkins,
Whatever you do, dont dig up that garden. Thats where I buried the BODIES.
Love Junebug Jenkins, III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Daddy Jenkins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. Thats the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Junebug, III

 

[WDIK]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies
-- two in the front seat and three in the back
- eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? she asked. No sir, I was doing
the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!
the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer,
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask...
is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken
And they havent muttered a single peep this whole time.
Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer.

We just got off Route 119.

 

[Alison556]

If its been up before, dont shoot me - I cant check cos the forum is broke

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes



That’s not right………………………………………..Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive…………………………Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP………………………………………….Kum Hia

Stupid Man……………………………………………..Dum Fuk

Small Horse…………………………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach………………………………...Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table……………………………….Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift………………………………Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here…………………………………….Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet…………………………….Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone…………………………………No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week………………...Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight………………………………………Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile…………………………….Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive……………………………...Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great………………………………………………………Fa Kin Su Pah

 

[Alison556]

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "Ive been thinking. There is no reason we cant go for a month." So Mr Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, whats stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter.

The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly dont mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

 

[WDIK]

im going to bed

 

[Alison556]

Theyre not that bad!!

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees its filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Whats up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isnt going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."

So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

OK," the bartender says, "heres what you need to do...
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CANT make a face while doing it...

SECOND: Theres a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth... You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: Theres a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse. Youve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but Im not an IDIOT! I WONT DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally... he asks, "WHERRRRES ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...

Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesnt make a face...

Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...

The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping... and then SILENCE.

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"NOW........" he says...... WHERE’S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?!"

 

[WDIK]

ow!!!!!!!