Joke of the Day - Tuesday 16th Dec.

[Blasphemous]

My wife took me along to her old school reunion. We were sat at a table and I noticed she kept staring at a bloke. He was as drunk as a lord and still knocking them back!

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed. 'He's my old boyfriend. Apparently he took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago and he hasn't been sober since!'

'Jeezas! !' I said. 'That's some celebration!'

 

[Bilioustrumpstaine]

Boom boom

 

[tim west]

 

[Blasphemous]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

I looked down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

 

[kevplumb]

christ that gag is older than gods dog

 

[Blasphemous]

christ that gag is older than gods dog

well come on then ye plastic yank ye You must have heard quite a few jokes in the hundred years or so you've been around...

 

[kevplumb]

so the city gent in his roller is travelling throu newcastle and this old transit van sideswipes him

so he tells the driver to go sort it out

driver comes back 5 mins later and tells the gent "they are just being abusive"

so the gent says i will sort it out

he comes back with a smirk on his face and says to the driver "sorted they are a pair of geordie solocitors haddaway and ****e"

 

[Blasphemous]

I got that one but are the rest of the world au fait with the 'our' language Kev? ie 'haddaway and ****e?'

 

[kevplumb]

divventt nar like im getting a southern drawwwwwwl

living in TN for part of the year does it

never forget where i came from though bonny lad

 

[Blasphemous]

never forget where i came from though bonny lad

Aye, that's what keeps ya from coming back!

 

[garagerob]

Man says to his wife, what would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife replies: i'd take half and leave you!!!
Man retorts: excellent, i got three numbers, here a fiver now **** off!!

 

[grifter]

Irishman stands in the middle of his living room with a gun to his head. His wife walks in from work. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" she asks. Man replies, "I can't take it anymore, I'm fed up of this life, I'm gonna end it now!" Wife starts to giggle. "I don't know what you're laughing at" he says. "You're next!"

 

[Blasphemous]

 

[Bilioustrumpstaine]

I found this lovely winter poem and thought I would share it with you.

It is by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre and I feel that it truly captures the essence of a British winter


















f**k me
it's cold

 

[Richardp]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."