Just A Thought! (or two)

20 Jul 2007
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United Kingdom
The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Somerfield's cheddar.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century. Watch out Egypt (Cairo), Australia (Canberra) and Wales keep you head down!

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That might be because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

If it's true what they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop', why are Pringles tubes resealable?
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Call me old-fashioned, but I like plays on words:

When your gentials get old, do they suffer penile dementia?

Conditions in the hen-house could only be described as chickensian.

Can't think of any more at the moment.
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