In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,
'Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans'.
He gave Noah the CAD printouts, saying,
'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
However, immediately after the Lord has spoken it began to drizzle and there were floods which made life extremely difficult as Noah set about the task he had been allotted.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his water sodden yard-but there was no Ark to be seen.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the torrential rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I have not yet had Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my yard because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to make an Appeal to the Secretary of State for permission to proceed. Then the Department of Transport demanded that a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Furthermore there is a Patent still existing on the original Ark and I am trying to make sure that this particular construction does not impinge on the requirements of that Patent which was taken out in Mesopatamia. I am confident that I am not contravening the restrictions imposed by the original Design Registration.
Getting the wood is another problem. All the decent trees have Preservation Orders on them and we live in an Area of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the "Spotted Owl".
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but again I got nowhere.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a conflict with the Equal Opportunities Commission on the labour I need to build the Ark Ð in particular how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Certificates of Competency in Ark-building experience.
And then there is the naval establishment who are insisting that I instal all kinds of navigational aids, depth sounding equipment, short-wave radio communication to coast-guard stations to say nothing of the design of the lifeboats I have to provide especially in respect of the animal and bird components of the passengers.
And the last straw is that Customs and Excise have seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, please forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the rain that had been falling ever since the Lord had spoken to Noah stopped, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government has beaten me to it.'
'Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans'.
He gave Noah the CAD printouts, saying,
'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
However, immediately after the Lord has spoken it began to drizzle and there were floods which made life extremely difficult as Noah set about the task he had been allotted.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his water sodden yard-but there was no Ark to be seen.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the torrential rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I have not yet had Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my yard because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to make an Appeal to the Secretary of State for permission to proceed. Then the Department of Transport demanded that a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Furthermore there is a Patent still existing on the original Ark and I am trying to make sure that this particular construction does not impinge on the requirements of that Patent which was taken out in Mesopatamia. I am confident that I am not contravening the restrictions imposed by the original Design Registration.
Getting the wood is another problem. All the decent trees have Preservation Orders on them and we live in an Area of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the "Spotted Owl".
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but again I got nowhere.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a conflict with the Equal Opportunities Commission on the labour I need to build the Ark Ð in particular how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Certificates of Competency in Ark-building experience.
And then there is the naval establishment who are insisting that I instal all kinds of navigational aids, depth sounding equipment, short-wave radio communication to coast-guard stations to say nothing of the design of the lifeboats I have to provide especially in respect of the animal and bird components of the passengers.
And the last straw is that Customs and Excise have seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, please forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the rain that had been falling ever since the Lord had spoken to Noah stopped, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government has beaten me to it.'
