I slept like a log last night; I woke up in the fireplace."
"Man walks into a bar. Didn't half hurt. It was an iron bar."
"I've got the best wife in England; the other one's in Africa."
"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day; he wasn't half mad."
"My dog took a big bite out of my knee the other day and a friend of mine said, "Did you put anything on it? I said, No, he liked it as it was."
"I think inventions are marvellous, don't you? Wherever they put a petrol pump they find petrol."
"I'm on a whisky diet; I've lost three days already."
"I backed a horse today at 20 to 1. It came in at twenty past four."
"I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did and I got it."
"A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've broke my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go to those places."
"I went to the nurse the other day and I told her, "My arm hurts whenever I do that" (does arm gesture). She said, "Well, don't do that then."
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."
"Man walks into a bar. Didn't half hurt. It was an iron bar."
"I've got the best wife in England; the other one's in Africa."
"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day; he wasn't half mad."
"My dog took a big bite out of my knee the other day and a friend of mine said, "Did you put anything on it? I said, No, he liked it as it was."
"I think inventions are marvellous, don't you? Wherever they put a petrol pump they find petrol."
"I'm on a whisky diet; I've lost three days already."
"I backed a horse today at 20 to 1. It came in at twenty past four."
"I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did and I got it."
"A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've broke my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go to those places."
"I went to the nurse the other day and I told her, "My arm hurts whenever I do that" (does arm gesture). She said, "Well, don't do that then."
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."
