Trying to help a 95 year old English WW2 veteran

[ey143]

Not sure if this is the right forum section to post this, but here goes anyway.

About 6-7 years ago, I have befriended an elderly English gentleman who lives a few streets away after I was asked to help him with his IT needs through an IT charity I volunteer for, called Ability.NET

We got talking about his times during WW2, his worldly travels and the fact that he moved back from Australia in his late teens after his father passed away to look after his mother. He lives in the same house he was born in (NW London), lives alone, never married and no children. He has no real immediate relations, maybe one brother who lives far away and appears to be forgotten by both society and what remaining long distance relatives he may have (his nephew is in his 70s and lives far).

I've helped him in the past by applying directly to the council for him to get a blue disabled badge for when he used to go shopping with a friend, or call up the telephone companies to move him onto better priced plans or even notified his GP about safeguard concerns I had for him and a nurse pops in once every few months to check on him. I even arranged to find him a cleaner which worked fine for about 2 years.

He refuses to sell his home to move into a care home / residential home and despite my insistence on him asking for help from the council, he doesn't want it. He's not a difficult man, he just doesn't want to bother anyone and thinks he's lived too long and essentially waiting to die. He feels it is his obligation to leave what he has for his far away relatives even though they dont visit him rather than spend the funds on himself, even if it means living another 5-10 years in some comfort.

He is now 95 years old. I've seen him trying to walk up the stairs: he crawls on all fours. He's fallen down in the bathroom (there is only one bathroom on the first floor) and at times hasn't been able to get up for half a day. He refuses a neck strap SOS alarm. Walking into his home is like going back in time. He hoards stuff relating to bird feed bags in his hallway and other stuff. I've since built him an outdoor Costco storage unit and cleared his path way.

Having spoken to him to today, he told me that he fell down a few weeks ago in his kitchen after losing balance and badly gashed his head. This is not the first time its happened. A friend of his took him to hospital 2 days after the event and he had stitches put in.

NOW TO THE POINT OF THIS THREAD

I'm publicity shy and can never do those crowd funding things which go viral like some homeless guy suddenly gets £250k to buy a house. This old man has some savings (I don't know how much, I guess maybe few tens of thousand + state pension). I begged him to please allow me to help him organise a side or rear extension if he can afford £30k to £40k as I've had builders build one for my recently deceased father when he was ill. He's agreed for me to get quotes, but doesnt want me to do a fund raise of any sort because he's stubborn and just genuinely doesn't want to trouble anyone. Society owes him a debt of gratitude but this WW2 veteran appears to have fallen in the cracks of forgotten society.

Is there a charity any of you professionals know about, or any assistance that can be provided by an architectural technicians / architects who can help with a project like this or builders' yards who might donate bricks etc. I'm not minded to call those BBC DIY SOS people because he would not want that and I want to respect his wishes.

But at the same time, I can no longer turn a blind eye to this guy having to risk climbing up the stairs to get to a bedroom or bathroom. He needs guidance and I will help him, but not sure if there are organisations that helps people like him by having tradespeople do little bits of projects together like the DIY SOS people in the program.

Thanks for reading this long thread. If you have any negative or sarcastic comments to make, please do me a favour and don't bother replying. I'm trying really hard to see how I can help one of our forgotten war heroes with no support. Many thanks.

His house is on a corner, so I was thinking if any GF extension room and bathroom can be built, could something be done under permitted development? It would need to be a triangle type design I guess like the grey roof one to the left of the first picture. Unfortunately he's family got the short straw with the smallest corner garden.

 

[Mottie]

First of all, well done for befriending the chap, it’s what we should all do when we can. I can sort of understand his attitude though. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be impossible to get some of these old timers to spend their money despite having it in abundance, thinking it’s their duty to suffer in order to pass money on to family. I think it’s been ground into them for years having endured hard times. My MIL is the same, no way is she hard up, has a fair old chunk in savings, has a bloody good pension coming in (bank is always telling her she is keeping too much in current account) but is as tight as a ducks arse with regards to spending money on herself. Very generous to her three kids though. Just lately Mrs Mottie and her sister have been trying to get her to turn her bloody heating up as it’s cold in there but she thinks it a sin to feel warm and can’t bring herself to spend money on heating. In fact last week Mrs Mottie said FFS you’re getting this £200 pensioner cold weather allowance to spend in heating and her answer was "They’re (elec/gas company) not getting that!" My mother is not as bad but whenever we persuade her to make a big purchase, she does does so guiltily saying "it’s your inheritance I’m spending!"

Anyway, regarding the toilet/bathroom issue for your chap, could the old fella be persuaded to perhaps have a WC installed on the ground floor or even a stairlift to help with access to the bathroom? Have you tried Age UK- they may be able to put you in touch with the people you need?

 

[kingandy2nd]

Agree with Mottie. Age-UK would be your best starting point.

 

[Notch7]

My father lived in his home until he died at 92.

I have therefore some experience with this situation. Elderly people often self neglect because they are fearful of change, they want their life to be the same it's always been.

Would a stairlift be possible?

I recommend stannah above acorn


I strongly recommend you find a care agency and get him some Daily care.

If Wiltshire farm foods covers your area, they are great. They deliver frozen ready made meals that cost about £4.50. I got them for my dad. They deliver say 10 at a time, put them in the freezer. Then the careers come at luchtime and make a meal.


In regards to your problem of organising a downstairs extension.....I suggest you get onto to a local Facebook group. There you will get local people who might be able to help.

You could also try nextdoor

Does he get attendance allowance?

My experience with ageUK is varied, for my father the local one was brilliant they organised a blue badge and came out and filled in the attendance allowance forms. For my FIL, not so good, I ended up doing the attendance allowance myself.

If you feel he is self neglecting and may have medical needs I suggest you ring his GP. Doctors are used to self neglect it's very common.

If you are helping quite often I would recommend you ask him if he would give consent that you his doctor can discuss with you.


I really would try and persuade him to have a daily carer call package. My dad kept refusing, but once he had them he improved and enjoyed them coming around.

I don't know how able your friend is but if his bathroom is upstairs it's likely he is wetting himself....and that could lead to a bladder infection

A daily carer means somebody is checking on him every day.

A 30min call costs around £16 to £20



Sooner or later your friend will have a medical problem, probably a bladder or chest infection. He may get pressure sores or skin problems.

His GP may send in the rapid response team which can give him a check up etc and give him a few weeks care. You need to impress the point that he is suffering regular falls - the NHS are trying to do more home support to help as it reduces people ending up in hospital.

 

[bernardgreen]

Have you contacted the Royal British Legion, they are experienced in providing appropriate help and guidance to ex-service people.

 

[^woody^]

Contact the council, who can provide grants or assistance under the DFG scheme.

Here https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/socia...es-equipment-and-care-homes/home-adaptations/ or there should be info on the council's website.

 

[Old Salt]

You could try SSAFA its a forces charity that provide lifelong support.
https://www.ssafa.org.uk

 

[Diver Fred]

Sorry Woody, from experience the council is the last people I'd contact, whilst they have lots of ideas on what help to supply they will expect anyone who owns their own home to pay.
When I made arrangements with the council for help with my father they came talked lots on what they 'could' do but everything had a cost and they wouldn't talk to me about money. Was similar for his cousin.

 

[Harry Bloomfield]

Contact the council, who can provide grants or assistance under the DFG scheme.

Here https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/socia...es-equipment-and-care-homes/home-adaptations/ or there should be info on the council's website.

I agree, they have a duty of care. He should be eligible to get a free, maintained stairlift installed, a linked fire alarm system, various other adaptions such as grab handles and extra banister rails, maybe a maintained mobility scooter - lots of charities can supply these free of cost. Remember the charities collect money based on their intention to help such people - take advantage.

My partner, before she passed away, used to keep an eye on a local elderly D-Day vet - popped in daily to see if he was OK, needed anything collected from the shops. He had relatives, but none all living hundreds of miles away. He too was immensely proud and too independent to ask for any help. He had some money, not a lot, but it worried him to spend it. He was several times taken for a mug, by itinerants knocking at his door offering to do jobs.

I appreciate they can be very difficult to help such proud people, best way is not to ask if they mind you helping them, but just to make the cost free arrangements and tell them you have done it - once he gets some of these things and his life made a little easier, he will thank you. Make it clear it is his entitlement, what he has paid his taxes for.

 

[Harry Bloomfield]

Sorry Woody, from experience the council is the last people I'd contact, whilst they have lots of ideas on what help to supply they will expect anyone who owns their own home to pay.
When I made arrangements with the council for help with my father they came talked lots on what they 'could' do but everything had a cost and they wouldn't talk to me about money. Was similar for his cousin.

Not true - they have a duty of care and to keep you in your own home where ever possible.

 

[Diver Fred]

Not true - they have a duty of care and to keep you in your own home where ever possible.

Clearly you have never been in a family that has tried - I did and it was my biggest regret. The woman from the council talked about everything they could do and and at the end of the meeting she turned round to my father and listed all the costs and charges he was expected to pay. They would not talk to me about those costs and charges, even when I tried to follow it up for an explanation.

'Some' people may get help from the council but from what I see they are in local authority places.

 

[tony1851]

For my FIL, not so good, I ended up doing the attendance allowance myself.

You have my sympathy; a dreadful form designed - i'm sure - to put people off claiming.
Took me a couple of weeks to complete one for an elderly parent.

 

[^woody^]

Clearly you have never been in a family that has tried - I did and it was my biggest regret. The woman from the council talked about everything they could do and and at the end of the meeting she turned round to my father and listed all the costs and charges he was expected to pay. They would not talk to me about those costs and charges, even when I tried to follow it up for an explanation.

'Some' people may get help from the council but from what I see they are in local authority places.

As always, ones experience can be determined by the person at the council. It's been a while since I last dealt with disabled adaptations, and it seems its actually changed it's name in the meantime, but nether the less, it remains an option, which may or may not be useful.

 

[charliegolf]

Think about getting hime a Lifeline setup too.

https://www.lifeline24.co.uk/?gclid...V94hTiAm06tlC2MlSgthJwFNTvzy-5aAaAh9WEALw_wcB

 

[ericmark]

I gave away straight stair lift, and no one wanted the stair lift with bend in middle, and second hand mobility scooters again very cheap, although a set of batteries I got for mine did cost £80 which is some thing that needs considering.

The problem is if he does not want the help, not much you can do, some social services are very good, but they are human, so also some really should not be in the job. I had one phone me up while shopping to tell me my mother was dead, she actually did not die for another 5 days, but she was one bad coin, the rest we had we could not have faulted. However after that I can understand why people don't want social services involved.

However do be careful, she made us feel guilty over the way we looked after mother, and she insisted mother went to a home, we were not given any option, and it was the lack of care in the so called care home that caused her death. She died due to dehydration. We had to threaten the home with Police to be allowed to take her to hospital. So I can understand why he does not want to go into a home. And once social services get involved they don't let go.