Weird hall light wiring

Not merely good - it is required for a Class I switch.
Thanks, good point that was very badly worded, I mean I would take the earth to the accessory first then to the back box. But I confused matters by bringing fixed lugs into it! Edited for clarity now(y)
 
As far as I can see, and not having been there to test anything, you need to do two things.

1. The 1st switch. this has two wires together in the bottm of the switch. Take one out and put it in the terminal next door to it.
2. The middle switch should be an intermediate switch. You'll need to buy one. This has 4 terminals.
The two wires at the top go in one each, and the two at the bottom (currently together) need to go into the two terminals at the bottom of the switch.

NOTE to sort your problem out you will need to do BOTH of these. Doing just one will not fix anything.
 
2. The middle switch should be an intermediate switch. You'll need to buy one. This has 4 terminals.
The two wires at the top go in one each, and the two at the bottom (currently together) need to go into the two terminals at the bottom of the switch.

NOTE to sort your problem out you will need to do BOTH of these. Doing just one will not fix anything.
Good spot, didn't notice 2 at all! Maybe that is why 1 is wrong, because otherwise switch 1 wouldn't do anything.
 
12:25

Something not right there. The second switch. Are there a couple more red wires in the back af the box, joined together?
If so, that switch may be the wrong type. It looks like a standard 2-way switch and it should be a special sort called an intermediate.
 
Who said that?
Well, my mistake was I was too busy looking for the extra wires joined in the back box to check the type of switch, so we were both half way there, but hopefully the OP is managing to solve it without endangering themselves. I don't think we need a ban all sheds intervention quite yet.
 
Well, my mistake was I was too busy looking for the extra wires joined in the back box to check the type of switch, so we were both half way there, but hopefully the OP is managing to solve it without endangering themselves. I don't think we need a ban all sheds intervention quite yet.

It's OK, the OP is hanging from the ceiling, and a bit black, but otherwise fine.

Honestly guys, you're being very helpful, but when it comes to messing about with Mains, I don't feel confident. See, here's a thing - for maybe 35 years I've been using this quaint but wonderful little device called a Volt Stick to tell me whether I'm going to die or not - no messing about with meters and probes and things, just wave it near a wire and it lights up if it's live.

When I put the fuse back in, it tells me ALL the wires in ALL the sockets are live... and I know that can't be true, or all the lights would be on all the time... I just think, if I start moving wires around, I'll completely lose track of what I'm doing (especially as they're ALL red), get in a hopeless mess, and blow something up.

I have to get a new boiler in on Wednesday - think once that's out of the way, I'll get an electrician in :notworthy:
 
Those volt sticks aren't too reliable, they'll tell you if a wire has any potential, relative to you, not just live, could be earth. You'd do well to get a 2 pole tester, it can check continuity and voltage and is reliable, you should get one marked Cat III.
Also, label the wires with a marker pen or tape before you remove. And take photos.
 

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