wet feet

[lifesagasman]

gasser had to get a job. it's no good eating all the biscuits thinking life's a bed of roses when the biscuits are running out fast.
fortunately, he's happy-go-lucky and a quick learner, and with a gritty but slightly malevolent sense of humour. one day, for a laugh, he wrapped his foot in a bandage, put a sling round his neck and put his foot in it, then went to my dressing-up cupboard and got out my favourite cowboy hat and put that on. then he hobbled down to the local pub where Dick Puller is known to be frequently embedded in the shag-pile, kicked open the door of the saloon and gruffed 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw'.
Dick, renowned for being grim-faced, chortled so much he had to be airlifted to the sanatorium where he was declared to be happy, and unfit to drink for 3 months. well done, gasser!

 

[lifesagasman]

choosing a career path for gasser was as simple as plucking an egg. he was soon enrolled at the local college to become a fully-qualified sniffer-dog. he was happy, though conspicuous, amongst the flotsam of ne'er-do-wells, ASBOs and saga-louts all engaged in learning the finer points of gas work. although English wasn't his first language, with the persuasion afforded by a large stick and a sound thrashing, he soon came to heel. within 8 weeks, and with suitable prompts, he was able to respond to simple interrogation by whimpering annoyingly and tapping his foot up to 4 times in succession. this talent proved useful during his final assessments when faced with multiple choice questions, whose optional answers were:

a yes
b no
c maybe
d don't know

whether by force of will, or viewing the stick with growing alarm, gasser passed with flying colours. then he passed with flying pebbledash as nerves had got the better of him, and the previous night's curry was a bit off.
suitably armed with his newly-gained qualifications, gasser strode fearlessly into the world beyond the college gates, ready to take up new challenges and very keen to get sniffing.
sadly, the story does not have a fairy-tale ending. more like a dog-tail ending.
on his first assignment, gasser warmed up by doing what he does best, and, immediately prior to investigating his first leak, accidentally overdosed on a cocker spaniel, sorely diminishing his finely-honed senses, and whilst temporarily unable to detect anything untoward in a gas-filled enclosed space, he was momentarily distracted by a flea doing it's morning work-out around his collar. with an instinctive scratch to dislodge the beast, there followed a tiny spark as claw abraded dog-tag followed by quite a loud, yet eerily muffled, bang, and gasser was no more.
it was all over for rover and rover was all over.
all that was ever found of him was his nose and his rectum, mysteriously adjacent.
in death, as in life, the absent-minded gasser came to a sticky end.




author's note: very few animals were harmed in the making of this fun

 

[lifesagasman]

BREAKING NEWS!

positive reviews pouring in like a dripping tap

"ripping yarn" Tom Sharpe and Michael Palin Appreciation Society
"a cracking read" Wallace and Grommit Observer
"whatever next?" Psychics' Retrospective
"dead good" Victoria Beckham
"corny" Maize Grower's Society
"head shot" William Tell Overture
"hed kandy" Britain's Mis-spelt Youf
"cruel and twisted" Dog's Life
"nuts" Dog's B*ll*cks
"bleedin' good" Woman's Monthly
"outlandish" Introvert's Anonymous
"right up my street" One Way signs for Dummies
"hang in there" Gallows Noose
"unhealthy and unsafe" HSE
"sexist" Men Only
"quality tripe" Abbatoir Review
"flipping good" Pancakes and Tossing for Beginners
"a walk in the park in the dark" Park Walking for Insomniacs
"i could have done better" Supercilious B*st*rds
"mesmerising" Rabbits in the headlights
"far out, man" Pastor Ganga
"not so far out, man" Precision Engineering
"cool" Ice Cube
"a laugh a minute" Gone in 60 seconds
"just the job, Bob" Bob-A-Job
"reflective" Alice through the looking glass
"uncanny" Independant Scottish Tin-Openers
"chaotic, disorderly but healing" Compulsive Cleaning for Homeopaths
"can't be beaten" Whip and Tackle
"i feel drained" Colonic Irrigation at Home
"you've been a naughty boy, go to my room" Mrs Bracegirdle

 

[lifesagasman]

LATEST REVIEWS-JUST IN

"rivetting" Boiler Makers' Union
"cutting edge" Don Corleoni Barber Shop Quartet
"razor sharp" ditto
"flawed" Carpet Layers Critique
"priceless" Antique Roadshow
"well'ard" Grumble and Grunt
" no oranges" Peers of the Realm Bondage Club
"out of this world" Trekkies
"cripes" Billy Bunter
"clueless" Crossword Society
"well timed but barking" The Horologists Watchdog

 

[lifesagasman]

*****1000th hit at 2225***** Who won the coconut?

 

[lifesagasman]

............R.I.P...........Gasser F.............

 

[lifesagasman]

.....Yet More reviews!!!!

"ruff and dull" Dogs for the Bland
"penile" Brewers Droop Glee Club
"wretched" Victorian Orphans Street Party
"young, gifted and bleak" Bleak National Party
"went with a bang" Cannon and Ball
"star-studded cast" Astrological Society
"littered with typographical errors" The Grauniad
"satire come home to roost" Pigeon Fanciers Club
"et tu Brutus?" Julius Caesar
"rang my bell" Big Ben
"a shining wit" The South Shore Shining Wit Shop

 

[lifesagasman]

Latest reviews just in..........

"staggering" Alcoholics Anonymous
"how does he get away with that?" MPs Expenses Discussion Group
"flimsily constructed" NHBA
"bloody awful" Grumpy Old Men
"prickly but to the point" Tiggywinkles Hedgehog Sanctuary
"disjointed and unhinged" Carpenters Union
"a real feast" Weightwatchers
"f*****g s**t" Tourettes Inspirational Choir
"zippy" Bungle
"avant garde" Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus
"a new horizon" Flat Earth Society
"meep meep meep" Stephen Hawkins
"a cracker" Psychiatry Today
"creasing" Origami for All
"could become a habit" Nuns in Leather
"arresting" Police Federation
"blown away" Flatulence Sufferers (Anon)
"weak and mocking" Mock the Weak
"drank my fill" Temperance Society
"rip-roaring" Flatulence Sufferers Revivalists
"01010101" Bill Gates
"heavenly" Pearly Gates
"shocking" Electricians Union
"unparalelled" Geometry Made Easy

 

[lifesagasman]

..AND..

"convoluted northern twaddle" Catford Twaddle Knotters
"a breath of fresh air" Iron Lung Users Melange
"such clarity" Double Glazing Manufacturers
"bite-sized effluence" Readers' Digest
"a fine romp" Wigan Donkey Sanctuary
"all the right ingredients" Mrs Beeton
"plays with words" Toys 'R' Us
"can you Adam and Eve it?" Book of Genesis
"made me squirm" Haemorrhoid Self-Relief Support Group

 

[lifesagasman]

And finally

"What, me worry" Alfred E. Neuman

 

[lifesagasman]

after such lamentable feedback, couldn't bear to see this languishing on page 5,
so it's been resurrected for your delectation (in case you were on holiday or in prison)

-----------------------------------------
What, me worry?

 

[lifesagasman]

drag this back to page one, just for the gas types coming out of hibernation............

 

[Heskins]

i can't sacrifice that simple pleasure by drilling holes in my bath. it might sink, and then what would i do on sundays but scowl.

Scuba diving is sometimes way more satisfying than mere sailing.