Yearly Fiscal Predictions. Results After April 2013 Budget.

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As a stalwart party member I thought I should release the chancellors thoughts to pre arm all you conservatives out there. IDS may throw a spanner in yet though so these aren't cast in stone although the stone masons have been busy and ten stones are already committed and have been given to the Pope for safe keeping (Now you know why he's the first Pope not to die in office).

This will be the year when england (formerly known as England) will be put right.

Any donation to a party not starting with 'c' (formerly 'C') will be passed to the party beginning with 'c' (formerly 'C') plus a 4000% apology donation.

All social benefits to "the poor" will cease as from yesterday and be replaced with a measure of rice per quarter, excepting leap years when the first quarters measure of rice will be ignored as it will be beyond the comprehension of anybody employed as a civil servant on how to divide by 90 and multiply by 91.

The bedroom tax will be extended to cover all properties owned or rented by anybody below the level of Lord or Lady, unless they can prove the presence of blue blood or Germanic descent.
This will stop oiks and upstart middle classes thinking above their station. Any bedrooms beyond personal use** will be taxed at 4000% of the rental rate charged plus the rent, paid annually in advance.
**This applies to more than one bedroom for the self branded 'middle classes', including their "portfolio of properties" which they "let" under the guise of being a landlord, but from now on will only be referred to by its correct title of robbin bar stewards who cut safety issues (crooks for short), and zero bedrooms for oiks as they should always be looking for work, never mind sleeping.

Subsidies for public transport will cease, as will public transport. Any vehicle with an engine smaller than 5 litre will be illegal to use. The lost petrol revenue will be put onto bread and/or rice, plus 4000% to cover any and all E&OE's the chancellor could, nay, will make.
This will also relieve road congestion, as we don't want oiks and the middle classes moving about and cluttering up the place do we?
Electric vehicles will be allowed within the proviso of: Must be permanently attached to the supply property with an artic blue extension lead no longer than 100m and then only allowed where the vehicle owner has a property with a 97.3m/97.4m frontage. The excess 3.7m/3.6m is allowed for cable slack as we wouldn't want anyone to be sued under the "where there's a blame there's a claim" mantra when a Lord or Lady passes ones hovel.
If the conservatives could work out how to tax any claim insurance payout at a modest say, 4000% of the settlement, this rule may be loosened to allow an extra 1.5m metre of cable. This will be known as the trip loophole.


From 00:15hrs, 5th September 2013, the working class will be banned. There position will be replaced by the middle class. The middle class can avoid this by paying on day one, £1, thereafter a 4000% daily compound inflation rate ad infinitum, to any conservative (formerly Conservative) party member in used notes, preferably in a plain paper bag.

The health service will be given to Poland. They, after all, get most of the benefit, and fill the posts therein. Each englander (formerly Englander) will be forced to adopt a Polish, or nation of their choice, family and send them 12% of any income per week to thank them for removing the health service and government (national) pension scheme from out of our ineffectual hands. This will be 12% of all income as its beyond most civil servants comprehension of what the lower earnings limit is if you phone and ask. Just to keep some folks in jobs, 12% NI contributions should still be made, but again, preferably in used notes in a plain bag to a conservative party member.

By the end of September 2013 the civil service will be known by their correct title of fascist shi-tes. For years they haven't been civil or provided a service.

1st of December 2013. england (formerly known as England) will be sold to the highest bidder. Last bid accepted at 23:59:59 on the above date.

At 00:00:15 2nd December 2013 Kim Jong-un, after getting 21 holes in one on an eighteen hole golf course, will realise he's bought a lemon, when he thought he was getting The Mighty Nation that Roars.

You may notice a prevalence of 4000% as a tax interest rate. This has been carefully and thoroughly researched. Once we realised nobody in the conservative party had a grip on reality we asked Father Jack. He may have said feck!! but we decided it sounded like "4000% seems reasonable old chap". So there you goes!

Don't be mistaken when passing bribes, bungs or payments to conservative party members. Under no circumstances give them to Boris. He's a bit of a loose cannon and will let the cat out of the bag and spoil the lucrative income for the rest of us twisted burgers!
 
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J

joinerjohn

If I sh*g my missus in the kitchen and bathroom (obviously on separate nights) can I offset the bedroom tax against these other rooms? Or would I have to do her in the spare bedroom a couple of times a week? I don't have any blue or Germanic blood, but do have some lovely Azure Fusion5 matt emulsion, by Dulux , if that helps. ;) ;) ;) ;)
 
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