US demands Zelensky submit to daytime makeover
THE US will sign a deal with Zelensky if he agrees to appear on a popular US daytime show for a comprehensive makeover.
www.thedailymash.co.uk
THE US will sign a deal with Zelensky if he agrees to appear on a popular US daytime show for a comprehensive makeover.
Frustrated by the Ukrainian president’s drab attire and gloomy outlook, the White House has insisted that any deal is contingent on him being subject to a makeover broadcast live at 9am Eastern time.
Drew Barrymore, whose show Zelensky will be forcibly appearing on, said: “Sometimes our clothes control more than we can imagine.
“For example, if you show up dressed as a little Army man for a meeting with two powerful, macho alpha dogs it implies you know more about warfare and standing up to powerful enemies than they do. Which makes them feel small.
“So we’ll be slipping Volodymyr out of those dingy fatigues and all their symbolic weight and changing his whole palette. No more earth tones. Instead vibrant pinks, smoky oranges, acid greens and a bright red baseball hat.
“We’re shaving that beard, styling that hair, rouging those cheeks and moisturising like crazy. His skin’s so dry, where has he been, in a bunker?”
Zelensky said: “This new look gives me so much confidence, I no longer need security guarantees for the future of my nation! Thank you to my fairy godmother Trump.”
