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(you really couldn't make this up, makes "Yes Minister" look serious.)
by Russ Jones - @RussInCheshire - https://twitter.com/RussInCheshire/status/1485270354939494402
It's been a while, but for the masochists amongst you, here's the return of #TheWeekInTory
1. The PM said he’d done nothing wrong, and had therefore apologised to the Queen for doing it
2. He claimed he hadn’t broken rules because nobody had told him the rules, which he wrote
3. He said he’d have to wait for Sue Gray to tell him whether the gathering of people drinking booze from a suitcase and playing on his swing during a DJ set was a party
4. He claimed it had taken him 25 minutes to realise this might not be a business meeting
5. Dominic Cummings said he’d "swear under oath" Boris Johnson green-lit parties
6. Dominic Raab said there hadn’t been a party, and he should know, cos the party was in his honour
7. And then Johnson hid in the back of a car, a fridge presumably not being readily available
8. Downing St said it was untrue the PM was warned ahead of the party
9. Reports said Sue Gray had the email warning the PM ahead of the party
10. And Downing St staff told newspapers it was “inconceivable” a party could have happened without Johnson’s approval
11. In no way to change the topic, the govt launched Operation Red Meat, a dazzlingly successful exercise in limited and specific failure, which I present to you in the following sub-thread.
(Hey, you try writing this **** without it getting complicated!)
a. the govt tweeted it was talking to Ghana about making our migrants go there for processing
b. Ghana said this was complete *******s, and called Johnson's Operation Red Meat "Operation Dead Meat"
c. The govt deleted their Ghana tweet and pretended it didn't just happen
d. The govt said it was now entirely safe to lift Covid restrictions
e. Then the govt said we should excuse Johnson’s behaviour – he was distracted because his child was very ill with that "entirely safe" Covid, which your kids must now risk without masks, because FREEDOM
f. Boris Johnson's emotional comfort turbot, Michael Gove, said he would continue “levelling up the country”
g. Then the levelling-up fund for public transport was cut by 50%
h. So it’s all going terrifically well, but enough Red Meat - back to the main thread...
12. Playdoh nonentity Dominic Raab, said the Tory party was behind Johnson
13. Behind Johnson, David Davis stood up and told him to resign
14. And Christian Wakefield defected to Labour
15. And 5 other Tories are reported to be considering defecting
16. Govt whips were accused of blackmailing MPs into supporting Johnson
17. In a bold challenge to logic, the govt said they wouldn’t look for evidence of this unless they found evidence
18. 12 Tory MPs said it had happened to them
19. No, not that kind of evidence
20. MP Nusrat Ghani said she’d been sacked as a minister because she was told “Muslim women [made her] colleagues feel uncomfortable”
21. Chief Whip Mark Spencer tweeted he never used the words attributed to him
22. They hadn’t been attributed to him
23. He then deleted the tweet
24. Then he had what seemed to be a bit of a breakdown, and wrote the tweet again, this time denying any such event had ever happened
25. Then No10 said they had discussed the thing that didn’t happen with Nusrat Ghani in July
26. It was reported chief whip Mark Spencer spends most of his days inventing dazzlingly clever new insults for his colleagues-
27. The most Wildean examples include:
- Anthony Mangnall = Anthony ****nall
- Tom Tugendhat = Tom Tugentwat
28. Mark Spencer is 52 years old
29. It was suggested the Chief Whip might not be very good, compared to the previous occupant of the role
30. To put this into context, the previous guy was Gavin Williamson, a supernaturally incompetent lurching tower of wrong wearing the teeth of a starved horse
31. Even so, PMs suggested bringing Williamson back, which means a Staffordshire village will soon need to advertise for a new idiot, but at least we’d have a non-blackmailing Chief Whip
32. It was immediately reported Williamson had also engaged in blackmailing colleagues
33. As part of her ploy to replace Johnson, Liz Truss, ITV4 made flesh, claimed she’d resolve Brexit in a month, a prediction previously made by
- David Davis (2016)
- Theresa May (2017)
- Liam Fox (2018)
- Jacob Rees-Mogg (2019)
- Boris Johnson (2020)
- and Lord Frost (2021)
34. As part of Rishi Sunak’s ploy to replace Johnson, he said he would look after the finances and had "low tax dreams"
35. He then decided not to even bother chasing £4.3 billion of fraudulent Covid claims
36. And he introduced the highest taxes for 28 years
37. And AAAARGH!!
by Russ Jones - @RussInCheshire - https://twitter.com/RussInCheshire/status/1485270354939494402
It's been a while, but for the masochists amongst you, here's the return of #TheWeekInTory
1. The PM said he’d done nothing wrong, and had therefore apologised to the Queen for doing it
2. He claimed he hadn’t broken rules because nobody had told him the rules, which he wrote
3. He said he’d have to wait for Sue Gray to tell him whether the gathering of people drinking booze from a suitcase and playing on his swing during a DJ set was a party
4. He claimed it had taken him 25 minutes to realise this might not be a business meeting
5. Dominic Cummings said he’d "swear under oath" Boris Johnson green-lit parties
6. Dominic Raab said there hadn’t been a party, and he should know, cos the party was in his honour
7. And then Johnson hid in the back of a car, a fridge presumably not being readily available
8. Downing St said it was untrue the PM was warned ahead of the party
9. Reports said Sue Gray had the email warning the PM ahead of the party
10. And Downing St staff told newspapers it was “inconceivable” a party could have happened without Johnson’s approval
11. In no way to change the topic, the govt launched Operation Red Meat, a dazzlingly successful exercise in limited and specific failure, which I present to you in the following sub-thread.
(Hey, you try writing this **** without it getting complicated!)
a. the govt tweeted it was talking to Ghana about making our migrants go there for processing
b. Ghana said this was complete *******s, and called Johnson's Operation Red Meat "Operation Dead Meat"
c. The govt deleted their Ghana tweet and pretended it didn't just happen
d. The govt said it was now entirely safe to lift Covid restrictions
e. Then the govt said we should excuse Johnson’s behaviour – he was distracted because his child was very ill with that "entirely safe" Covid, which your kids must now risk without masks, because FREEDOM
f. Boris Johnson's emotional comfort turbot, Michael Gove, said he would continue “levelling up the country”
g. Then the levelling-up fund for public transport was cut by 50%
h. So it’s all going terrifically well, but enough Red Meat - back to the main thread...
12. Playdoh nonentity Dominic Raab, said the Tory party was behind Johnson
13. Behind Johnson, David Davis stood up and told him to resign
14. And Christian Wakefield defected to Labour
15. And 5 other Tories are reported to be considering defecting
16. Govt whips were accused of blackmailing MPs into supporting Johnson
17. In a bold challenge to logic, the govt said they wouldn’t look for evidence of this unless they found evidence
18. 12 Tory MPs said it had happened to them
19. No, not that kind of evidence
20. MP Nusrat Ghani said she’d been sacked as a minister because she was told “Muslim women [made her] colleagues feel uncomfortable”
21. Chief Whip Mark Spencer tweeted he never used the words attributed to him
22. They hadn’t been attributed to him
23. He then deleted the tweet
24. Then he had what seemed to be a bit of a breakdown, and wrote the tweet again, this time denying any such event had ever happened
25. Then No10 said they had discussed the thing that didn’t happen with Nusrat Ghani in July
26. It was reported chief whip Mark Spencer spends most of his days inventing dazzlingly clever new insults for his colleagues-
27. The most Wildean examples include:
- Anthony Mangnall = Anthony ****nall
- Tom Tugendhat = Tom Tugentwat
28. Mark Spencer is 52 years old
29. It was suggested the Chief Whip might not be very good, compared to the previous occupant of the role
30. To put this into context, the previous guy was Gavin Williamson, a supernaturally incompetent lurching tower of wrong wearing the teeth of a starved horse
31. Even so, PMs suggested bringing Williamson back, which means a Staffordshire village will soon need to advertise for a new idiot, but at least we’d have a non-blackmailing Chief Whip
32. It was immediately reported Williamson had also engaged in blackmailing colleagues
33. As part of her ploy to replace Johnson, Liz Truss, ITV4 made flesh, claimed she’d resolve Brexit in a month, a prediction previously made by
- David Davis (2016)
- Theresa May (2017)
- Liam Fox (2018)
- Jacob Rees-Mogg (2019)
- Boris Johnson (2020)
- and Lord Frost (2021)
34. As part of Rishi Sunak’s ploy to replace Johnson, he said he would look after the finances and had "low tax dreams"
35. He then decided not to even bother chasing £4.3 billion of fraudulent Covid claims
36. And he introduced the highest taxes for 28 years
37. And AAAARGH!!
