can they get worse?

[pipme]

Writ this'n, large, too !!

Up for the job !
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked:
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked
the second man.
"Hmm....let me see. A blink!
It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a
very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIORRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.
"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the
bathroom.
But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already
sh*it my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB..................

 

[kendor]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available; a brand new Ferrari 550. It costs him £500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red traffic light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car have you got there, son?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550 - it cost half a million pounds!!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look
inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,all right .... but I think I'll stick with my moped!!" Just then, the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whooooooosssshhhh! Something whips buy him, going much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator again and takes the Ferrari up to 200 mph. Then,up ahead of him, he sees that its the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. Whhhhooooooosssssshhhh!!! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors accelerator and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly, the moped p loughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God!! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath ....













Unhook my f*****g braces from your wing mirror!!!!"

 

[kendor]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

 

[masona]

Little Mary was not the best kid in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. Today, the teacher called on her while she was napping, '' Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, Johnny,
a boy sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God
Almighty !'' shouted Mary' and fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary
didn't wake up. Once again, Johnny jabbed her again. ''Jesus Christ!''
shouted Mary and fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher
fainted

 

[pipme]

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the
toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need
to wipe.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw
in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.


P

 

[AdamW]

You know, the old screwing in a lightbulb jokes aren't so relevant in the UK when most lightbulbs are bayonet cap... Just a thought

 

[pipme]

Hence the difficulty .....
'Can they get worse?' .... Of course.

P

 

[breezer]

who is in charge of all hankies ?










The handkerchief

 

[securespark]

To scan, that needs to be hankiechief, no?

How about a rude one?

 

[2scoops0406]

Police arrest 2 youths one for drinking battery acid, one for eating fireworks....
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They charge one and let the other off !

 

[2scoops0406]

Black beauty... he was a dark horse !


I must stop reading the metro.

 

[AdamW]

I must stop reading the metro

It's called the Cityrover now

Probably as much use for travel as a free London newspaper though

EDIT: I do apologise, they get Metro in other cities now, I received a copy in Birmingham back in 1999.

 

[jasy]

Went to the dentist after 5 mins he said my teeth were fine.................but my gums need taking out.



Customer: Waiter, my chicken has one leg shorter than the other.
Waiter: i did not realise you were going to dance with it.



Customer: Waiter, my chicken is cold!!
Waiter: What do you expect it has been dead 6 days.

 

[Katie_Jennings]

Question : Why are men so much more useful than vibrators?
Answer : Because vibrators can't mow the lawn!

 

[pipme]

oooh Kaaaatie Almost asked how do you know ?