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Looking for a new job

Discussion in 'Jokes Archive' started by JohnD, 28 Mar 2019.

  1. JohnD

    JohnD

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Headhunter: Your CV is blank since June 2016.

    May: They told me to only include the good stuff.

    Headhunter: But you have been working in a senior role?

    May: Absolutely.

    Headhunter: A leadership position?

    May: I wouldn’t go that far.

    Headhunter: In government?

    May: Again, that’s an overstatement.

    Headhunter: That’s how LinkedIn works, I’m afraid. So tell me: when you were in this senior government position, did you ever think of what you might do otherwise?

    May: Excuse me?

    Headhunter: Like a plan B?

    May: Oh, if I’d had one of those, I wouldn’t be here.

    Headhunter: Not to worry. The good news is that we’ve got a lot of senior executive positions coming up in EU regulation.

    May: What do they involve?

    Headhunter: It’s mostly complaining about how terrible European laws are, and then accepting them anyway. Any relevant experience?

    May: A little.

    Headhunter: So you know people in Brussels?

    May: We’ve had a few late nights.

    Headhunter: I like your style.

    May: They didn’t.

    Headhunter: Understood. A lot of these tech businesses are headquartered in Dublin anyway.

    May: Sorry, Dublin?

    Headhunter: Theresa, you’ve gone white.

    May: Are there any other options?

    Headhunter: Absolutely, lots of corporate directorships. Very attractive salaries. Global perspectives.

    May: I could definitely crack down on them.

    Headhunter: Ah, no, we’d want you to take one. “Theresa May, non-executive.” A lot of the prestige, but not much of the actual power.

    May: Sounds familiar.

    Headhunter: And you’d travel a lot.You’d be practically a citizen of nowhere

    May: Again, sounds familiar.

    Headhunter: Perfect! We’d just need a few examples of you being responsive to business concerns.

    May: I’m sorry?

    Headhunter: Basic stuff — foreseeing risks, engaging constructively, sticking to deadlines.

    May: I mean, erm, of course.

    Headhunter: Do any examples spring to mind?

    May: No.

    Headhunter: Fine, we can come back to that. Tell me about you. How do you like to be managed?

    May: I don’t.

    Headhunter: A woman after my own heart! What would you say are your weaknesses?

    May: My colleagues.

    Headhunter: Oh, very good — I knew there was a sense of humour in there somewhere! And your strengths?

    May: Trying to keep the Conservative party united.

    Headhunter: No, we’ve done weaknesses.
    Are there any instances where you’ve used your communication skills to good effect?

    May: Why would I tell you if there were?

    Headhunter: Interesting. Moving on. Tell me about a time when you had a disagreement at work, and how you handled it.

    May: How long have you got?

    Headhunter: That’s what I like to hear! I can see why your current employers will try hard to keep you.
    I mean, they’ll surely be sad to see you go?

    May: [Light cough]

    Headhunter: I presume they’ll want you to serve out your notice at least?

    May: [Heavy cough]

    Headhunter: I understand. Relax. I got George Osborne eight jobs. I’m sure I can find you at least one.


    henry.mance@ft.com



    https://www.ft.com/content/aa029c12-50be-11e9-9c76-bf4a0ce37d49
     

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