Never Ending Story

[Space cat]

So worried that he woke up soaked in sweat. Then he woke up properly and realized that he was lying in a bath full of tepid water. It took him a while to work out that the goat had all been a bad dream. And the mermaid too? No, she was still there.

The doorbell went. "Right" said Fred.
"W- w-what time is it?", Eric yawned.
"It's first light and streets are deserted. Here, get this lozenge into her somehow."

Eric wasn't sure what to do as he went back to the bathroom. But he needn't have worried because Allia had a cunning plan. She winked as she hid the lozenge and then, amid fits of giggling, she started to sing --

"Paddy McGoaty mowed a meadow down by the old bushel bun ---"

 

[Susiejb]

Eric looked in amazement and total admiration....
how did she do that...he felt so proud of her...
talk about amazing talent.

He wondered if a call to Simon Cowell was in order...
Britains Got Talent needed an uplift and a singing mermaid would surely win..

Freds brash tone brought him back down to earth...
"She's had the lozenge.....now she will take us back to the river"
Eric wished he had never told Fred about the episode by the river with the phased array....but he needn't have worried..

The mermaid whispered in his ear......
"Its ok......I will take him to the river and I will plant this in the reeds....she lifted Doris' best tablecloth to reveal a giant box of Value Fish Fingers......

Eric smiled ..... popped her into his fishing creel and set off with Fred following furtively behind...

 

[Space cat]

What do they say about the best laid plans of mice and mermaids ---

From out of nowhere, a man with a bottle in his hand came staggering towards them. He stared at the huge tail sticking out of the creel and heard the muffled singing from within but didn't quite put the two together.

Eric had to act fast before Allia's plan unravelled --

"Ten green bottles, hangin' on the wall --" He turned to Fred. "Sing man sing!"

 

[Susiejb]

Freds sang in a toneless monotone

"Nine green bottles 'angin on the wall"

Suddenly the creel popped open.....and the Allia popped out
(in more ways than one)
God....she is 'well blessed' thought Eric.

"Whats that ye be singin' Freddie.....tis terrible to be sure"

The drunk was rooted to the spot....."'Tis only the mermaid from Kiss a Bally Angel" he cried.

He lunged towards the creel, and as he did so he slipped slowly into the river .....grabbing at Doris' best tablecloth.
This caused 30 Tesco Value fish fingers to fly through the air into the water.

"Blimey" said Fred "She's spawned in the creel"
and he promptly jumped into the river.

Now he had a dilema.....to save the drunk or the fish fingers.......

 

[Space cat]

-- or to save himself! In his mad rush to grab the 'eggs' he had forgotten that he couldn't swim - and neither could Eric. Fortunately for all concerned there was one among them who could swim like a fish ---

Quick as a flash - and with barely a splash - Allia was in the water. With a deft swing of her tail she threw the drunk out onto the riverbank. "It's not your time yet, but I'll be seeing you again quite soon if you don't lay off the booze."

Then she turned to Fred --

"So (SMACK), you neglect your wife (WACK), insult your friends (SPLAT), kill fish for fun (WALLOP), dope me with calamus root (THWACK) - you think I didn't know (SMACK) - then (WACK) you try to steal my eggs (SLAP) for money! I should let you drown but it's not your time yet and I've got bigger fish to catch. Here, have a lozenge!"

She shoved a handful of something slimy down Fred's throat then, with an almighty wallop, sent him flying up onto the bank.

Eric cringed as she turned his way

 

[Susiejb]

...in a flash Allia was in Erics arms.....
he could hardly believe it as she hugged him close and gazed into his eyes....

He wished that he wasn't so sweaty....if only he had popped a can of LYNX into his pocket....they could have had a LYNX experience.
Doris loved LYNX ...she used it every day !!
He had stolen a quick squirt once as he climbed into bed...he had tried to cradle Doris' head in his arms, but it had got wedged in his armpit, when Doris surfaced there were loads of tiny foam LYNX bubbles in her moustache....Eric shuddered at the thought.....

He gazed at Allia....he wished he looked more like a hero...
The only time he had carried a six pack was when Doris made him fetch six large Chappie from the Pound Shop....

"Eric" whispered Allia....
"I want ye to be takin' me home....to me sisters"
OMG thought Eric, she has sisters....would life get any better than this....
Eric thought long and hard..

'Wouldn't it be nice if more people on this forum joined in this story'
ooops......made that bit up

Eric thought long and hard....and then in a brainstorming moment he knew what he would do.....

 

[Space cat]

It was so obvious; a wheelchair! With a blanket over her tail nobody would suspect a thing. He could take her out in the street. He could take here to Ireland. He could take her to the Channel Four studio --

But all that could wait. Right now, more than anything else, he needed a bath. Allia wrapped her tail around his waist again and beamed at him with those huge eyes of hers. "We both need a bath. Does that array thingy of yours work in baths? "

 

[Susiejb]

Eric wasn't too sure about the array thingy.....but he knew that he had plenty of equipment to more than keep Allia happy

They made their way to the basement flat and Eric ran a nice warm bath ....he popped Allia in, and then joined her....they had picked up the wheelchair from Speedy Hire so tomorrow they would start a new life together.

Eric was just wiping a few fish scales from his lips when there was a loud bang at the door.

He opened it carefully....there stood Noel Edmonds, his floral patterned shirt almost dazzling Eric.

"Its ME" said Noel......"you have been chosen for Noels Christmas Presents"
Eric knew the show ...the one where you needed a large box of man size Kleenex because everyone in the room was crying and totally depressed by the end of it.

"My helicopter is waiting " said Noel "Pop your ladyfriend in her wheelchair and I will do a really good deed and everyone will know how kind I am, I will fly you to Kiss a Bally Angel"

Was this an offer to good to refuse, Eric looked at Allia.....

"Offer him a lozenge Eric" said Allia with a cheeky smile and a wink for Eric.....

 

[Space cat]

Brilliant! Eric retrieved the hidden lozenge. "Here, have a sweetie while we get dressed."
"Ta very much", Noel replied. Minutes later he was away with the fairies.
"He can wait", said Eric. "It's bath time. "
"He can watch. What he remembers he'll never believe", Allia replied with a mischievous grin .
"Right. I've got the array on a delayed soft start."

They settled back into the bath together. There was a quiet click as the array came on and the water began to ripple. Seconds later Eric shrieked and catapulted himself out of the bath. In his haste he'd forgotten to match the power to the water volume.

"ALLIA!" he gasped when he finally stopped shaking. But she was still in there, rolling around and moaning softly in the seething mass of wavelets. It was like a scene from an old sci-fi movie that Eric couldn't quite remember. Noel Edmunds just stared --

 

[Susiejb]

Eric felt annoyed...there was Allia looking....
well....looking 'orgasmic'....
and there was he standing naked in a pool of cold water.

How did he get it wrong ...he knew the formula....it was...
the depth, height and width of the bath in centimeters, multiplied by the volume of water, divided by 63, multiplied by 80, then subtract that answer from 46 cubed, finally divide by the angles on an equilateral triangle....

It was SIMPLE...how did he get it so wrong.

Suddenly, Noel caught his eye....he was clutching the phone....
and talking to an invisible banker and crying softly "I have joined the 1p club"

Eric threw on some clothes, grabbed Allia and bundled her into the wheelchair...
"Hey, I was enjoying that " she cried indignantly.
"Time for that later....our helicopter is waiting"

The captain saluted and touched his peaked cap.
"Where would you like to go sir"
Eric liked that.....he really liked it.

"The world is our oyster Allia"
"Mmmmmm I love oysters" she said dreamily.

"Eric addressed the captain.
"Take us to.....

 

[Space cat]

-- to --" Eric panicked. He hadn't thought that far ahead. Suddenly an image of oysters popped into his head. "Channel Four. We're on Come Dine With Me - with oysters." Allia gave a little smile and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, back at Eric's flat, Noel's head was spinning. Where was he? Who was he? Why was he here? Had there really been a mermaid? What he did know was that he was hot and sweaty. That bath looked very inviting and, from the looks of things, it was a whirlpool bath too. That would do nicely

 

[Susiejb]

The news hit the headlines very quickly....the very next morning in fact, many papers hailed it a triumphant breakthrough for rocket science.....

The Daily Star billed it as "Noels Knockers Knackered"
While The Telegraph was more sedate settling for a simple "Life Changes for Noel"

Apparently Noel had entered the 'whirlpool' bath fully clothed....the electrical effect of the phased array had caused the pattern from his floral shirt to transfer to his body.....and his Calvin Klein 'Flexi Fit' were now a permanent tattoo.

Eric knew it was selfish but he just couldn't stop thinking .... thank goodness I took off those Tesco Value underpants before I climbed in.

He was having second thoughts about Come Dine With Me....what if someone served fish or a prawn cocktail.....he knew Allia when she went 'into one' she would be whacking and smacking left, right and center. Also he was hungry....but not for food....and certainly not for someones ridiculous concoction made from instant whip and cheap mince.

He wanted Allia....he wasn't just hungry....he was in fact starving....did the helicopter have a bath?

"Where are we going" she whispered as she snuggled into his arms....
"To paradise" he whispered "To paradise".....

 

[Space cat]

There was of course no bath in the helicopter. Eric really wished he hadn't been so quick to pull Allia out of his own bath but it was too late; they were here now. The producer could hardly believe it when he saw Allia. "That's amazing; you can hardly see the join." He went for a quick prod and narrowly missed a slap across the chops. "But we can't have her topless on daytime TV, not even on this channel."

"I've got a spare shirt in the cockpit", said the captain, trying to be helpful. Eric was horrified. Those breasts deserved something silky, sensuous and maybe just a little see-through. The producer clearly thought likewise --

"No, no, no, the costume department will sort something out. Come and meet the other contestants."

"Where are the oysters?", Allia asked, looking puzzled.

"In the kitchen of course."

"Why?"

Eric cringed as the penny dropped. She expected the oysters to be in the contest, not on the plates

 

[Susiejb]

Erics' heart sank....he felt he was heading for Paradise Lost instead of paradise...he needed to act fast....

Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he saw Allia....
and he had a Mills and Boon moment...
Her eyes were like limpid pools, her nose like a little button, her cheeks like rosebuds, her lips like cherries....
and her breasts....
they swelled above her sensuous, silky gown like... well....like golden melons....
and to complete the M&B moment he felt a 'stirring in his loins'
God...she looked good enough to eat (although he felt it wasn't quite right saying that about a mermaid)

He grabbed Allia.
"Sorry mate ...we have to go ....girlfriend is allergic to seafood"

He dived into the helicopter....

"Water ...we need to find water"...he gasped....he just couldn't wait another moment....

take us to.....

 

[lifesagasman]

Blackpool, land of a thousand fishy tales and rank outsiders