Tell us a joke

[Johnmelad502]

Get marks out of 10

Cowboy's Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed". The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal"?

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it".

 

[dude_diy]

Alfie Pattern, recently in the news as the 13 year old father has joined the group 'Fathers for Justice'. In an interview he said 'it made sense to join because I've already have a spider man outfit'!!!

 

[Johnmelad502]

Alfie Pattern, recently in the news as the 13 year old father has joined the group 'Fathers for Justice'. In an interview he said 'it made sense to join because I've already have a spider man outfit'!!!

4/10

 

[ColJack]

Tonto suddenly stops and gets of his horse, pressing his ear to the ground he says to the Lone Ranger.."Buffalo come here 10 minutes ago.."
the Lone Ranger replies "amazing, how can you tell?"
"Ear stuck to ground, still warm..."

Jesus walks into a hotel, puts a handfull of nails on the counter and asks the clerk "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

[Johnmelad502]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

 

[Richardp]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at this childish ignorance and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

 

[Blasphemous]

I'll give ya a 6/10for that effort.

Here's one I posted for Joe ages ago...

40 Gypsies arrived at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter went into the gatehouse and phoned God and said, 'I've got 40 travellers at the gates here. Can I let them in?'

God replied 'Peter, you know that we're over quota on ****** . Tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter was on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he told Him.

'What?' said God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the bl**dy gates!'

 

[Johnmelad502]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at this childish ignorance and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

0/10
By Mr macho.

 

[RF Lighting]

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.

"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."

So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99.

Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers.

Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"

"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."

 

[gregers]

IVE JUST BOUGHT A 1/8TH SHARE IN A RACE HORSE.

called'my face'

First run out was at Fontwell last week-end and it was really good to be standing by the finishing post hearing all these ladies screaming "Come on my face, come on my face"...

 

[Richardp]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND:

Definitely not!



WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:

Of course I do.



WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:

Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -



HUSBAND:
F * ck....

 

[Trazor]

What Pets Write IN THEIR DIARIES.......

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary..

Day 983 of my captivity......

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while the other inmates and I are fed leftovers or some sort of dry nuggets.
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates how evil I am.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am...... Bas***ds.

Today , I learned about allergies, should come in useful.

I was almost successful in assassinating one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are grassing me up.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released , and seems to be more than willing to return....He is obviously retarded.

I beat the dog up now and again, to keep my hunting/killing skills sharp.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him talking to the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My Jailers have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe..............For now..............

 

[tim west]

Brilliant trazor

 

[peteftw]

Q What did the slug say to the snail?

A "Big Issue, sir?"

 

[333rocky333]

Two blokes in the cafe

Bloke 1
Have you ever had an experience?.

Bloke 2
Yeah I was doing a Ton down the road on me bike !.

Bloke 1
No, not that sort of experience, have you ever felt a c**t?.

Bloke 2
Yeah I fell off !.