Tell us a joke

[dave1953]

3 guys in the boozer, 1st one say's all this making love to your missus is rubbish, it's the aftercare that does it for them.I made love to the wife and afterwards we were lying on the bed and I was stroking her thigh's and I swear blind she rose 3 inches off the bed in exstacy.
2'nd one chirps in, your absolutely right, me and the missus had just made love after a perfect night out and I was stroking her neck and she honestly rose 6 inches off the bed in pure exstacy,
3'rd one say's ,you aint wrong, me and the wife had just finished a 2 hour marathon session, I got out of bed and wiped my d--k on the curtains and she hit the roof!

sorry

 

[Johnmelad502]

10/10 for that one, FOCL...

 

[Trazor]

A zoo has a new female rhino but she is clearly miserable. The vet tells them that she is lonely and craving male company.

After a quick search, on t'internet, they find a male that they can put with the lonely lady.

Two days later the male rhino arrives and is unloaded from the truck and put into quarantine for the vet to give a quick health check.
He is a large handsome beast and the keepers are excited to introduce the new couple.

The next morning he is let into the compound and the keepers are delighted to see him go straight into the females sleeping quarters.
They hear all sorts of grunting noises but decide that all will be well.

Meanwhile, laid back in the straw after passionate sex (of the rhino variety) the now smiling lady rhino turns to her new mate and says,
"anyway, I'm Alice, what's your name?" The big fella turns and says "my name is Neil".


"Wow" exclaims Alice "I can't wait to tell all the girls that I've slept with Rhino Neil"

 

[conny]

Farmers prize cock dies and all his hens get broody so he decides to get another one.
Picks up a real stud at the market and brings it home. Next day the farmers looks out his window and sees all his hens dead on their backs with their feet in the air.
He runs down stairs and out into the farmyard where he finds 3 cowws, 2 horses and 15 sheep. All dead.
Running round the corner he stops in his tracks. There in front of him is his new cock.
Flat on his back, legs in the air and one eye staring unblinkingly at the sky.
"Oh dear God, whats happened/" cries the farmer kneeling down next to his prize cock.
"Shut up and keep still," whispered the cock. "As soon as those vultures land I'll have them as well!"

 

[gregers]

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smartass guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

 

[Johnmelad502]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then..........

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!

 

[holmslaw]

This is a short story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important..

They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the
fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said....

"I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.

 

[gremlin16]

What Is Butt Dust???

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom brea st-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I do n't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[Richardp]

A Cajun walks into a
bar with a pet
alligator by his side.



He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my manhood inside.



Then, the gator will
close his mouth for
one minute.

Then, he'll open his
mouth and I'll
remove my unit
unscathed. In return,
for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured
their approval.
The man stood up on
the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed
his Johnson and
related parts in the
alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed
his mouth as
the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a
beer bottle and smacked
the alligator hard on the
top of its head.

The gator opened his
mouth and the man
removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd
cheered,
and the
first of his free
drinks were
delivered.



The man stood up
again and made
another offer.
'I'll pay anyone
£100 who's willing to
give it a try.'

A hush fell over
the crowd. After a while,
a hand went up in
the back of the bar.

A blonde woman
timidly spoke up......
'I'll try it.
If you promise not to
hit me so hard
with the
beer bottle!'

 

[Shutpa]

On Radio Scotland yesterday a comedian was talking about the time when a six uear old boy phoned in to his Phone a Joke programme. The conversation went something like this:

Host: "Where are you phoning from"?
Boy: "The lobby".
Host: "And do you have a joke for us"?
Boy: "Yes".
Host: "Lets hear it then".
Boy: "What part of Popeye never get rusty"?
Host: "I dont know, which part of Popeye never gets rusty"?
Boy: "The part he slips in Olive Oil"


Host: "Who told you that joke"?
Boy: "My mum".

 

[namsag]

Micheal Jackson has cancelled his UK tour after hearing that £2000 for a ten year old actually refers to a car scrappage scheme.

 

[RF Lighting]