can they get worse?

[planenut]

A chap departs this life and ascends to Heaven. On approaching the pearly gates he catches sight of a guy he recognises and questions
St. Peter. "That man led a sinful and wicked life and I a righteous one, I arrive here for what may be my reward and I see him there, lounging by the gate with a barrel of beer and a beautiful naked woman in his arms, why?"

St. Peter reassures him "Do not worry my friend.......
the barrel has a hole in it and the woman doesn't!"

 

[kevplumb]

Guy staggers off last train having had a few and lost his wallet. Asks cabbie for ride home and told to fek off. Walks the five miles home with blistered feet.
Next week gets off train and sees same cabbie 5th in the queue. Goes to first and offers blow job for free ride home. Gets rebuked (funnily enough). Does same to all until reaches the one from week before, and just gets in like normal. As they drive off he gives thumbs up to the other cabbies.

 

[kendor]

This topic must be getting close to the "post with the most" replies? does it hold the record yet?
Bet DIYNOT's admin are cursing the use of "expensive" server space with it.

 

[pipme]

They could always remove the 'effect spaces'

BTW. Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory, and for many years had a powerful desire to put his pe nis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help. After six months, his therapist gave up, and advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his pe nis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and was immediately fired from his job. Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact pe nis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel tearfully replied, "She got fired, too."

 

[Rob.D]

Farmer want to experiment to see how much a pig can hold in the way of food before exploding.

So he trains a monkey to pull a cork out of a pigs ringp*ece on hearing a whistle.

Meanwhile, he inserts the cork and proceeds to force feed the pig.

Come the day when the pig has expanded to its limit, the guy positions the pig at the end of his largest field with the monkey ready to pull the cork out.

He himself stations 10 yards from the pig with bins at the ready. His mate stands 30 yards away, and a third guy stands 50 yards away.

The farmer blows his whistle.

The guy 50 yards away shakes a dollop of pigp*o off his shoe and walks down to the second guy 300 yards from the pig. He helps dig him out (he's up to his waist), then they run to the farmer, and find him completely buried in excrement. They frantically dig him out to find him peeing himself with laughter.

When they had calmed him down, they asked why he was laughing so much.

"You should have seen the look on the monkey's face when he pulled the cork out!", was his reply.

Just seen this and I think the punchline is:

"You should've seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!"

Its funnier then see!

 

[kevplumb]

that gag is older than me pip

 

[pipme]

Jeeez .... I know ! I deciphered it from the markings on an old stone !!

Topical tho', with the great Branston Pickle shortage in full swing !!

 

[kendor]

So is the Bacon slicer still working there Pip?

 

[pipme]

Only just, but that could be enough !!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts to show him around the whole place; the tennis courts, the main lobby.
They come upon a room full of clocks.Some are going fast, some slow and some normal. " What's with all the clocks?" The guy asks his tour guide.
"Each clock is for each person on earth. Every time they tell a lie, their clock goes faster," he said.
Well that makes sense the guy thought to himself, just then he noticed two clocks on the ceiling going tremendously fast, much faster than all the others.
"What is that?" the guy asked, pointing to the ceiling.
"Oh, those two belong to Dubya and Tone. We use 'em as fans."

 

[2scoops0406]

Anyone who has or does work in the IT industry may appreciate this.

An IT contractor dies, and is given the opportunity to spend one day in heaven and one day in hell before making his mind up where to spend eternity.

On day one he goes to hell, where he is surprised to find lush rolling meadows, beautiful sunshine, fantastic bars, beautiful willing women, and everything you could wish for is absolutely free. He spends a relaxing day chatting pleasantly to the devil, but all too soon the is over, and he must depart.

The next day, he arrives in heaven to see people sitting about on clouds, strumming harps, and engaged in pleasent small talk, this carries on all day, and the contractor thinks well it's pleasant enough, but frankly a bit boring.

The next day the IT contractor is asked to make his decision as to where he will spend eternity, he explains his choice of hell, by saying that while heaven was nice, it was a bit boring, and as an IT contractor he was used to a bit more excitement.

The next instant, he is whisked off back to hell only to find to his horror, that everyone is writhing in agony, flames licking up the walls, with demons lashing the lost souls with whips. A veritable dante's inferno.

The IT contractor is met by the devil who smiles slyly at him, the contractor gibbers what happend to the cars, the women, the bars, and the good weather that was here yesterday ?

The devil explains, well that was yesterday, when you were still an IT contractor, today you're permanent !!

 

[planenut]

Unlike this hell.....

A guy arrives at the door to hell, and is met at reception by some old devil who explains that inside there are three doors. The new arrival is allowed to open each door, glance inside, assess the "risk factor" and opt for one of the the rooms for eternity.
He opens the first door and notes that the fires burning about the screaming inmates were somewhat warm, and shuts the door.
He opens the second door and is aware of the muffled screams from the poor wretches drowning in the swirling waters, and shuts the door.
He opens the third door and instantly observes the pleasant scene of everybody sitting around drinking cups of tea with biscuits, and though everybody is up to their chests in sewage, turns to his guide and says "this'll do" and the door shuts as he is invited in to the tones of....
"TEA BREAK OVER, EVERYBODY BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"

 

[pipme]

Been there !! Called engineering industry !!

 

[kevplumb]

am there called the gas industry

 

[pipme]

Did you hear about Pipme's newest stunt ? He will attempt to jump 1,000 Lawyers with a bulldozer.
PS ... without a ramp !!
~~~~~~~~
How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers found a penny.
~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
~~~~~~~~
A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked. "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for the `gator."
~~~~~~~~
A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your b alls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Fine," said the president, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 A.M. as a witness?"
"Yes!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his b alls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his they were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I imagine you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of England's president's balls in my hand."

 

[kevplumb]

why dont sharks attack lawyers




proff courtesy