did you hear about the navvy that took his wellies back
apparently the string was too short
apparently the string was too short
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2scoops0406
Bloke walks into a bar with a stork and a cat. The bloke orders 3 pints, and the group sits down. After finishing their pints, the stork gets up and goes to the bar to order another round.
The stork takes the drinks back to the table, and they all continue to drink their fill. After they have finished their second pints, there is a prolonged silence as the man and the stork expect the cat to buy a round.
The man politely asks the cat if he is going to get a round in, but the cat vigourously declines, saying that he hasn't got any money, and that he doesn't see why he should buy a round, when it was the bloke who invited him for a drink. As none of them have any more money, the bloke picks up the glasses and takes them back to the bar.
The puzzled barman asks the bloke what was all that about then ? The bloke says.
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"I'm not entirely sure, I found a magic lamp the other day, when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight p*ssy!"
The stork takes the drinks back to the table, and they all continue to drink their fill. After they have finished their second pints, there is a prolonged silence as the man and the stork expect the cat to buy a round.
The man politely asks the cat if he is going to get a round in, but the cat vigourously declines, saying that he hasn't got any money, and that he doesn't see why he should buy a round, when it was the bloke who invited him for a drink. As none of them have any more money, the bloke picks up the glasses and takes them back to the bar.
The puzzled barman asks the bloke what was all that about then ? The bloke says.
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"I'm not entirely sure, I found a magic lamp the other day, when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight p*ssy!"
B
breezer
(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
(5) I used to have a! handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
(11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.
(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
(16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under
it!
(18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
(19) Procrastinate Now!
(20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
(21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
(22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
(23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.
(25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
(27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
(28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
(5) I used to have a! handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
(11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.
(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
(16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under
it!
(18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
(19) Procrastinate Now!
(20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
(21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
(22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
(23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
(24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.
(25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
(27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
(28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
(29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
black guy out for a walk in the country finds a old battered lamp
gives it a rub
WHOOSH genie appears
i am the genie of the lamp and i will grant you three wishes
black guy says hey man i want to be uptight outtasight and in the groove
genie turns him into a tampon
gives it a rub
WHOOSH genie appears
i am the genie of the lamp and i will grant you three wishes
black guy says hey man i want to be uptight outtasight and in the groove
genie turns him into a tampon
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- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
A man goes to the doctor complaining of "music in his head" every time he wears his hat.
The doctor examines the man, then examines the hat...takes the hat and a scalpel out of the room, then returns...gives the man the hat and asks him to "try it now!"
The man puts his hat on and is amazed, no music.
"How did you do that then doctor?"
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.Doctors says
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. "I took the band out!"
The doctor examines the man, then examines the hat...takes the hat and a scalpel out of the room, then returns...gives the man the hat and asks him to "try it now!"
The man puts his hat on and is amazed, no music.
"How did you do that then doctor?"
.
.
.
.
.
.Doctors says
.
.
.
.
. "I took the band out!"
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
2
2scoops0406
And verily so, god created man. Adam was having a fine time in the garden of eden until one day he suddenly thought "I'm lonely" Adam called god to tell him so, and god thought about it for a while. Eventually god came back to Adam and said, for an arm and a leg, I could create something called a woman, she will love you, cherish you, do your washing, clean and cook for you, and every night she shall pleasure you in any way you can imagine.
Adam thought about it for a while, and then said, sounds good, but the price is a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?
Adam thought about it for a while, and then said, sounds good, but the price is a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?
pub landlord has a dog all its life when it falls of its perch the vet asks
do you want to keep something as a mommento
guy says ill have the tail
six months later at 1/2 11 ghost dog walks in to the bar
landlord says what do you want
dog says
youve got my tail i want it bach
landlord repies
sorr6y we cant re tail spirits after 11/30
do you want to keep something as a mommento
guy says ill have the tail
six months later at 1/2 11 ghost dog walks in to the bar
landlord says what do you want
dog says
youve got my tail i want it bach
landlord repies
sorr6y we cant re tail spirits after 11/30
2
2scoops0406
I love some of these
Warning lables applied to products. Enjoy
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Warning lables applied to products. Enjoy
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
gorilla walks into a pub pint please he says
landlord serves him £5 sir he says
gorilla pays up
landlord says we dont get many gorillas in here
gorilla says im not suprised at £5 a pint
landlord serves him £5 sir he says
gorilla pays up
landlord says we dont get many gorillas in here
gorilla says im not suprised at £5 a pint
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
Pilot announces on the intercom "ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing in ten minutes, we hope you've had a pleasant flight!"
Whoops he leaves the intercom on for the passengers to hear...
"the first thing i'm gonna do when we land is have a good cr*p!, then, i'm gonna sh*g the *rse of that new blonde stewardess!"
At that, the only blonde stewardess on the flight starts to run from the back of the aircraft to the flight deck, but on the way she stumbles and falls in the aisle at the feet of an old lady who says
"no need to hurry dear, he's gonna have a cr*p first"
Whoops he leaves the intercom on for the passengers to hear...
"the first thing i'm gonna do when we land is have a good cr*p!, then, i'm gonna sh*g the *rse of that new blonde stewardess!"
At that, the only blonde stewardess on the flight starts to run from the back of the aircraft to the flight deck, but on the way she stumbles and falls in the aisle at the feet of an old lady who says
"no need to hurry dear, he's gonna have a cr*p first"
- Status
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