But if he is on here in the middle of the afternoon, he can't be very busy.
That's not too surprising a misjudgment from someone who's taken the role of Being A Charlatan to such dizzy new heights.
FYI, when you run your own business(es) you can do WTF you like - go on site when you like, make forum posts when you like, write consultative reports when you like, and do invoicing when you like, for example on a Monday after having spent the previous day at the Motor Show. You can also walk around the office in your underpants and belch loudly without getting any funny looks.
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To mickyg - I'm sure I don't deserve a whole topic, but I'd consider a Channel 4 deal if I could choose my own co-hosts.
If I had my way we'd have a team comprising Ronni Ancona (for the satire), Sarah Beeny (for the property information), Tara Palmer Tomkinson for sheer whackiness, and Sharron Davies for being, err, Sharron Davies. Oh, and Nigella Lawson to make the sandwiches. And a musical interlude from resident songstress Chrissie Hynde.
We could start the show with 'Joe "The Holocaust" 90' crashing a BMW at precisely 70mph into the premises of a damp-proofing company, before leaping out of the car to plaster and make good. I'd feature a
Star in A Reasonably Priced Swimsuit, presented by Jenifer Lopez, where a female celebrity races to put on, and take off, a swimsuit selected from Marks and Spencer, while singing "Welcome" from
Caberet. My own transport to and from the show would be a personal Concorde, landing and taking off on a conveyor belt that's tuned to precisely match the speed of the aircraft, but running in the opposite direction.
I would put Julian Clary in charge of the
Let's Make a Deal section of the show, where two doors each conceal a £5 Screwfix voucher and the third door the entire Festool power tool range. Instead of opening the non-chosen door, it would be riddled with bullets by Silvan Tieger, in authentic 20s New York garb, before having his rest at 2pm. The punter would then be offered the chance to swap or to stick, with the studio audience (entirely comprising DIYnot forum members) shouting their statistical calculation of the odds of winning, giving Ms. Clary the chance to whisper lewd but sweet nothings in Silvan's shell-like.
And there'd just
have to be a brief homage to one of my favourite shows of all time - "The Golden Shot" - where Sylvan Tieger, this time heavily medicated and manacled to a gas-fired Aga, is in charge of The Bolt, and the smooth-talking and wise-cracking Bob Monkhouse role is played by JohnD, with a bevy of Essex 'beauties' on each arm.
A couple of punters could compete for a stunning prize by playing "
Guess that quote!", with Carol Vorderman assessing the amount of unforeseen work and recalculating, on-the-fly, the final cost of the job. There would also be the "
Agile's Agile" feature, where Tony Glazier knocks on a council house door, wearing a checked shirt and a Burberry cap, and berates the owners for failing to have their boiler serviced at the manufacturer's stated interval, then runs like f**k to escape the tattoo-decorated and baseball bat wielding occupants. All with Stuart Hall commentating, naturally.
And that's just the pilot.
