Told my mum I was getting a car made out of spaghetti

[Ian H]

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!!



Got that off Radio 1 yesterday

 

[crystal ball]

Listen to Ken Bruce on R2 for quality quips

 

[rsgaz]

I finished a 20 piece jigsaw today, only took me six months...

I was really chuffed, it said on the box "3 to 4 years"!

 

[Bodd]

Just phoned up my local Kentucky Fried Chicken shop and asked do they deliver.
They said "Sorry sir, just Cluck and Collect"

 

[Bodd]

Pulled a Gypsy Girl last night, she asked me did I want to go back to her's for a good time.
She wasn't kidding I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers, Ghost Train and came home with a Goldfish.

 

[Bodd]

Listen to Ken Bruce on R2 for quality quips

I don't get it!

 

[kingandy2nd]

I ate 7 yogurts yesterday...

...I was müllered!

 

[Notch7]

“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it...”

 

[Bodd]

When asked what procrastinate means Theresa May said "its a good question, and one that I am fully prepared to answer in more detail, in the coming days and weeks ahead".

 

[ReganAndCarter]

Hired an Eastern European cleaner recently. Couldn't believe she took 5 hours just to vacuum the living room.

Turns out she's a Slovak.