Britishness

[petewood]

From the 'Independant' today:

Regional accents tested in 'Britishness' exam


By David Barrett, PA
Published: 31 October 2005

Foreigners who apply to become British citizens will have to swot up on British regional accents, the Church of England and a wide range of cultural information, it was revealed today.

Details of the new "Britishness test" were revealed by ministers on the day before the examination becomes compulsory to people who apply for naturalisation.

However, candidates will not be tested on British history.

The questions will be multiple choice.

To become British, applicants will have to pay £34 to sit the 45-minute exam.


Examples of areas which will be tested include:

* Where are the Geordie, Cockney, and Scouse dialects spoken?

* What are MPs?

* What is the Church of England and who is its head?

* What is the Queen's official role and what ceremonial duties does she have?

* Do many children live in single parent families or step-families?

Oh my god I failed the test. I don't know who is the head of the c of e and apart from spending my money feeding rich foreigners and then spending more of it jetting off to other countries to be fed by rich foreigners I don't know what the queen's ceremonial duties are.

Also, I suspect that my definition of MPs would not coincide with the official version.

Will I have to leave?

 

[Nige F]

David Barrett PA.........**** Artist

 

[Gary0]

The bbc news site has a quick test for you.

Whilst not objecting to incomers being encouraged to fit in, charging them for a test that the natives can't pass seems a waste of effort to me. Probably just another import tax.

 

[empip]

You'll be English, Irish,Welsh or Scots ...
British ? could be anyone !!
One almost always knows when an article speaks not of one of the four home nationalities .. British or Briton is used !!

 

[AdamW]

Whilst not objecting to incomers being encouraged to fit in, charging them for a test that the natives can't pass seems a waste of effort to me. Probably just another import tax.

There was a story on the news about how all immigrants would need to take a test regarding spoken and written English... including those from Australia, NZ, Canada, South Africa etc. etc. I suppose Canada and SA have French and Afrikaans spoken too, but NZ?

Perhaps we should be asking "Why are there many natives who can't pass the test?". I have heard anecdotes from teachers, regarding "traditionally British" Christian festivals: apparently Hindu children are far more likely to be able to recount the story of Christmas and Easter than white (and often Christened) children. This might apply to Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist children too, who knows?

By the way, here are the answers

Geordie is spoken on Byker Grove
Cockney is spoken on East Enders
Scouse is spoken on, I dunno, Brookside?

MPs are Military Police

The Church of England is a mighty fine way of using johnnies and getting divorced without going to hell. The head is the Queen (however a bishop can't be a queen, unless you are in Canada)

The Queen's official role is to live in Buckingham Palace and occasionally set fire to Windsor Castle or Hampton Court (alternating on a 10-yearly basis). Her secondary role is to send her husband to places to say such "interesting" things as "Golly, you little yellow chaps have slitty eyes!". Ceremonial duties include making speeches about her "horrible anus".

All children in the UK have two parents, because despite our high levels of technology, asexual reproduction has not yet been perfected. Some would say that takes all the fun out of it anyway.

 

[Big_Spark]

I managed 7 of the question on the BBC quick test...but a few were pure guesses as you ned the stupid book they give you to do it properly..

Bloody Stupid waste of Money..they should TEACH these people about our Laws and they should be tested to ensure that

1: They can support themselves and their family, so not living off the State.

2: Can write and read English at least as well as the average 12 year old child

3: Can pass a Psychological Test (we have enough of our own nutters!!)

4: Sign a paper to state they will not have more than 3 children (This is a Joke)

 

[Zampa]

Will all the immigrants that creep into dover have to take the test too?

What happens if they fail.....are we going to send them home?....

YEH RIGHT!!!

Is there a question saying "why have you traveled across europe just to get to the uk...

a) its a soft touch..and they give us everything when we arrive

b) the country is so riddled in p.c, they cant say no

c) im a pimp/drug dealer/internet fruadster/gun runner/terrorist

d) im trained to work in a call centre

 

[Spark123]

Question from daily mail:
What is the voltage in British homes?
a)110v
b)240v
c)260v

We have 230v thrusted down our throats all the time and it ain't even an option!!

 

[Steve]

Question from daily mail:
What is the voltage in British homes?
a)110v
b)240v
c)260v

We have 230v thrusted down our throats all the time and it ain't even an option!!

most british women i know wouldn't even know that

 

[Big_Spark]

WTF has the supply voltage got to do with being British anyway, this voltage is used in more than 100 nations around the world..so that's ******ed that...

 

[nstreet]

What's the point in having a britishness test, when all the time us 'real brits' are having to change the way we live so as not to offend all of the other nationalities and religions. We are not even allowed to call christmas lights, christmas lights, because it might offend. Well if it offends you p*** off back to your country and don't bother coming here.

More to the poiint why are the government etc allowing it to happen

 

[chainsaw_masochist]

2: Can write and read English at least as well as the average 12 year old child

This is a requirement? Sounds more like an accusation!

 

[kendor]

We are not even allowed to call christmas lights, christmas lights, because it might offend.

Better that than fairy lights.